C'est ça l'amour

Dipping my toes

2012-03-01T01:18:00.003+08:00

One more day.

Leap day was quite enjoyable, dinner with colleagues. It is interesting to see things from another perspective. Even when there are some things with outright hints that you have tried to avoid. I guess it is inevitable sometimes, but it would have been more consoling if I had more trust.

I am the queen of vagueness lol.

It's always darkest before the dawn

2012-02-19T21:16:00.009+08:00

"If your friend called in the middle of the night and asked you to bail him out of prison, what would your first reaction be?

(a) What happened? (b) Where are you now?

What would you want to hear if you were the one in jail instead?"

~ Mum

There's always the eternal dilemma to respond in the best way possible: in comforting someone, when someone drops a bombshell or simply says 'I am tired'.

If only there was a mind reader, things would be so simple. Different people expect different methods of consolation- some just want to be left alone, some crave for attention, some just need a listening ear.

When my mum cut her finger, it was my brother, who sat by her side wincing in mock-pain while clutching his own fingers, that comforted her the most. While it might not be helpful in any way, it was a simple gesture a child could offer out of genuine concern. It was something that count.

I guess random things like this just spring into my mind while agonising over next Friday. There would no doubt be outbursts- just whether they are outbursts of joy or sorrow/ frustration/ anger ._. Okay that was lame.

If you read this, please remember to not let your outpouring curiosity get in the way of sensitivity. Forgive those who operate on different mindsets as you. Be grateful.

"In my life nothing goes wrong. When things seem to not meet my expectations, I let go of how I think things should be. It’s a matter of not having any attachment to any fixed outcome."

~ Deepak Chopra

I just need a peace of mind.

Shake It Out by Florence + The Machine

Times are hard for dreamers

2012-02-16T23:56:00.000+08:00

I would like to stay seventeen forever. When the onset of youth hits you at full bloom, you're fascinated by the world and hopeful at whatever possibilities there is to come. Still inside the cocoon (otherwise known as in school), where the only crises in life revolve around academic results. You can get away from things by pretending to be ignorant.

At eighteen things become scary. Societal conventions expect you to know how to handle a bit of alcohol, stop looking at guys as species from another planet, know a lot of people and stand on your own feet. Earn your own money. Make your own choices. Suddenly the emphasis is on the word 'adult' instead of 'young'.

This is a freedom I'm not sure if I'd like to venture into.

"Quiet, peaceful , and lonely." I said aloud to myself.

2012-02-12T01:02:00.014+08:00

I always feel so strangely eloquent after finishing a book. Normally I don't really feel like writing anymore but then words just keep filling up my head -like voices inside my brain- and if I don't write it down it's going to overspill, and that would be such a waste! So strange. So weird. I'm getting weirder by the day, I think.

This time I finally got to reading the book I wanted to read months ago- Norweigan Wood by Haruki Murakami. Ok, not quite what I expected (although I've heard things about it before reading), but oh-so-many good quotes!

"It makes me feel like I'm in a big meadow in a soft rain."

..among other strings of words that I am lazy to type out.

The book also makes me wonder how mentally unstable people are diagnosed. How can you really tell if a person is crazy or not? Coincidentally I read an article titled "Lonely? Shy? Sad? Well now you're 'mentally ill', too" which made me feel so offended.. sort of. Haha. It also did nothing to doubt my belief that psychiatry has little or no medical basis at all.

Hmm. Dysthymia.

Maybe I do actually need some help. You never know.

Feelings I would never know again

2012-02-11T02:07:00.005+08:00

"I straightened up and looked out of the window at the dark clouds hanging over the North Sea, thinking of all I had lost in the course of my life: times gone for ever, friends who had died or disappeared, feelings I would never know again."

~ Norweigan wood, Haruki Murakami

Up until now, I feel like I'm just taking a long vacation from school.

Some other day I'll be cruising around the concourse before assembly, drag myself to the hall with a gloomy face, and then head off to lectures and tutorials, laugh at antics of the class, feel oddly nice in the company of familiar strangers and wave/say hi to people down the corridor. It's like I never really left.

Results day is getting nearer. Other than it probably being the deadliest day of my life (thus far), I guess it will somehow remind me that this really is the end. Hopefully when I am swarmed by dyed hair, makeup and bald heads, I will be sprung back to the present world and stop thinking. Hoping.

That will be my reason for going back to school one last time.

To witness change for myself and move on, too.

The labyrinth of suffering

2012-02-04T23:28:00.009+08:00

"I'm not going to be one of those people who sits around talking about what they're gonna do. I'm just going to do it. Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia.

You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present."

~ Looking for Alaska, John Green

Finished reading another book today. It seems like all that I seem to be doing these days is reading.. hardly have the vitality to do anything else, really.

Took an afternoon nap from three to seven, I know there are much more important things to do (given how weekends take forever to arrive) but the more I feel pressurised, the more I escape, the more my head hurts.

Wished there could be things that I can fully indulge in and feel happy about before the nightmarish day arrives. I should go on a trip to Arab street soon to see what I can find!

In other news, I revived my pinterest account.

Concrete Wall by Zee Avi

Just close your eyes

2012-01-29T21:07:00.008+08:00

Yay! Super like my blogskin now! Especially the clouds!

Saw the banner image on tumblr and I immediately thought of making a blogskin for it. It's so super pretty and colourful and all! Plus honestly I am quite irked by the long history of monochrome blogskins that I've had.

The difficulty of blogskin changing has gotten higher and higher, once upon a time it was just cut and paste from blogskins.com, then tumblr designs started getting pretty, and now this time it's a crossover between wordpress and tumblr.

Well as you can see, I'm still not pro enough to create a design from scratch. But I learn new things along the way! Really like fiddling with html and then getting a nice result. There are still things that are not working, like the comment box and twitter alignment and the gigantic huge font on the right.

But I'm tired): Will fix them next time.

Anyway to sound even more nerdy/geeky, I started reading The Hunger Games and it's a really good book! I can't wait for the movie to come out. The soundtrack is super awesome, Safe & Sound by Taylor Swift feat. The Civil Wars is currently my favourite song. It fits the novel so much.

I think I listened to it at least 20 times today.

Not so sure if I'm enjoying being detached from everything. I try not to think about it so much though.

Stealing the sunset from everyone

2012-01-27T00:33:00.010+08:00

Lyre Lyre Hearts on Fire- Inch Chua

P.P.S. The messy handwriting could have been better; I was writing it while lying on my bed.

fireworks/ firecrackers/ kongmingdeng

2012-01-23T21:34:00.006+08:00

Every year, I go to across the border for Chinese new year.. I mentioned it before last year that the highlight of spending CNY there is having the entire sky lit with pretty fireworks, so close to you until hot paper scrap stuff actually fall from the sky.

This year, I took a video using my mediocre 2mp itouch camera. This is one of the further ones! When it's too near we have to hide under the shelter lol.

(Obviously it's not as grand, considering each family buy and light up their own fireworks.)

There were also firecrackers from the house across the road. Maybe I'll upload it soon!

These are the type of things we will never get to experience in Singapore. It is also what my childhood is made up of-

It's the first year without cny celebrations in school, and somehow memories of yesteryear keep flooding back.

From singing and blasting to cny songs in primary school, to lion dances on stage in secondary school, to class orientation in J1, tiger mascots, polariods and all. In comparison, it's been a (ironically, given the explosives) quiet new year this year without school.

The uncountable number of 孔明灯s look like twinkling stars in the night sky; reminded me of three things- 1. january 2010 in st. john's island 2. hopes and dreams (sort of) 3. that scene in rapunzel

Hehe anti-climatic ending ends here. Happy Dragon year!

Tracing her way through the constellation

2012-01-06T23:52:00.004+08:00

Brain playing to: Drops of Jupiter by Train

Hello, am here to talk about my work so far!

Well apart from the fact I have to wake up so early in the morning everyday, my computer (and only my computer) is a godforsaken windows OS without internet access, and how I'm slowly burning up precious time from this brimming teenage youth (hurhur more like fading), I'd say work is pretty good.

There's routine, the people there are nice and friendly, and the stuff I have to do is mostly brainless (well typical of admin work, sometimes my mind just drifts away and I forget there I'm at).

Except when I'm devising methods to increase productivity i.e. output per time #dilligentworker seriously! I have a excel file titled 'Shortcuts' haha.

Anyway, I guess what's valuable is just the experience of being in an office, doing a desk-bound job and seeing/feeling what it's like. There are people of high and low ranks, and there are people from so many different countries. It's a pretty cool dynamic (except that there's a particular Myanmar ringtone that drives me crazy).

I wonder how my career will turn out like. In a team-based work environment like this, I learnt how everything is part of a greater cause. At the end of the day, what makes one job any less noble than another?

Next time, my only wish is to find heart in what I do. It doesn't have to be extraordinary or anything, but I need to believe in it, that it is not just something I do to make a living. If this dream is dead, everything becomes pointless!

(I get so offended when someone tries to destroy this fantasy with practically.)

I try to make sad thoughts go away with this website. Also, I am honestly believing in the law of attraction.

I am now in a state of being in my own world and talking to myself.

Goodnight.

It meant nothing, it meant everything

2012-01-02T23:03:00.006+08:00

I am forever walking upon these shores,
Betwixt the sand and the foam,
The high tide will erase my foot-prints,
And the wind will blow away the foam.
But the sea and the shore will remain
Forever.

~ Sand and Foam by Kahlil Gibran

Honestly, I am lacking inspiration when writing on this blog. The same topics recur all the time with my nonchalant, over-sensitive, fact-of-life type of entries, or those of the other spectrum, being weirdly excited and stuff.

I don't really know how to blog anymore. As much as I have always been amused by the fact that anonymous people read and know about my life and thoughts (sometimes more than they should), the truth is that they probably do it out of entertainment, more than concern. I would know.

Yet sometimes I feel like I am just blogging for someone, just because there would still be a connection, albeit a one-way one. But as long as I continue to blog, my words will continue to fill their thoughts and my presence will still be felt. Even if it were just for half a minute.

Serenade

2011-12-31T22:44:00.006+08:00

‎"For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning."
~ T.S. Eliot, "Little Gidding"

2011 is a year of closure. With closure comes acceptance, looking at things with rose-tinted glasses and forgetting the not-so-nice parts. It was a hard year, with a levels, studying, routines that we don't really bother much with until everything ends.

Yea but whatever, you know? I hated 2011. It's about to be over soon and I am not going to (try all my might not to) think about it anymore.

I'd like to think of each new year as another chance to makes things right. After all, it's all in the mind, isn't it? The earth still revolves, people still born and die every second, we're all still breathing. The only thing different thing is empowerment, a mindset that we all start anew as the clock strikes twelve. It's another clean slate.

2012 is going to be a year with the biggest change in my life. My only resolution for the new year is to always be positive. I'm tired of always being so tragic about things, tired of regret, tired of blame, tired of jealousy.

After watching 'The Secret' today, I sort of feel more welcoming of the new year. I guess it was all quite timely? Initially expected it to be some inspirational bs but I guess it is just a matter of being more open to things that challenge our conventions. A little bit of delusion, fantasy or ignorance never hurt anybody.

"Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen." ~ Conan O’Brien

Happy new year, lovelies.

Pray the wind will take me where the space meets up with time

2011-12-26T00:12:00.007+08:00

My post As have been far from eventful, but just to break the monotony of entries that appear to be pretentious, there's what I have been up to:

City Hunter drama, twenty episodes, finished it within three days. Been feeling a little out of sorts after finishing it so fast, it's like everything has ended before I have given the story and characters any thought at all ): Should have slowed down!

Nonetheless, it's a really really (domudomu in korean) good show, and it's rarely I watch action dramas. But oh who cares, as long as Lee Min Ho is in it (;

It's also less of a cry fest as compared to bubujingxin- makes me wonder if touching scenes are largely due to the acting rather than the plot?

Christmas eve dinner
I love my mum; she spent an entire day preparing dinner even when we're not expecting guests. Dinner was delicious, as usual, even when turkey was humbly reduced to chicken, and the log cake was a typical sponge cake with chocolate covering.

Recently tried to learn guitar too- with limited success. The strings are so awfully difficult to press precisely, and no matter how I try, my chords are always out of tune ): The furthest progress I have made thus far is playing Ode to Joy.. not something to be proud of.

Pretty display

Went out with Sally on Christmas eve eve, which was a complete disaster (WHY DID IT HAVE TO RAIN) and errand running- sorry): It was so tiring I felt my legs would break!

We had Nando's for dinner (nando's is soooo overrated) and ice cream from Marbleslab Creamery for dessert. The amount of ice cream is insane- and gorging on ice cream is a torturing experience. I vow never to go for an ice cream buffet, no matter how much I love ice cream.

Also, finally, I have a job that starts on Tuesday! The only good thing about it is that it is within walking distance from teoheng. Hmm, maybe I will go for karaoke there after work to destress, hehe. God knows when I last went for karaoke, it think it was class gathering? Miss it so much):

Working = money $$$ :D I can think of a thousand and one things to buy...

camera...

shopping spree...

macbook...

handphone...

getaway to japan...

...and then I think of more practical stuff like driving lessons and university tuition and I'm like :/

Hopefully work doesn't kill me too much. Have a good last week of 2011 everyone!

Waiting for the dark to make it's way back into light

2011-12-25T23:48:00.004+08:00

I like the stillness of the night. I like the feeling that the rest of the world is at a complete standstill, comparable to the absolute absence of sunlight.

I like the the fact that I'm holding on the the final remaining hours of the day, which makes it all the more precious. Just surrendering all these hours to sleep would be such a waste.

I like how my mind slows down and loses its hyperactivity, becoming less distracted and stops jumping around with the many thoughts that comes with the endless possibilities of the day. Clarity. Suddenly I realise what is important, and the thoughts that I delude myself from in order to get by through the day, come running back.

Merry Christmas.

You will hold me in your eyes

2011-12-22T21:44:00.009+08:00

Playing on blog: How the west was won by Katie Herzig

I wonder if everything is just a passing phase. Now that I've gone through the moe education system, I am uncertain of how much I've grown from it. Tutorials, school events, interactions.. while my attendance in school is always almost perfect, how often is it that my heart is present as well? Or has it been just a soulless existence?

Six years ago I entered secondary school. Three years ago by second brother did. Today was my third brother's turn. It has become almost like a routine, as we enter and depart from different institutions.

Is life like that too? At the end of the day, I most certainly do not want to just look back and think, 'oh, well, guess that's just over and done with'.

I guess we mark our place in this world by how much we've influenced other's lives, how many hearts we've conquered (not in the lovey-dovey sense).

-cues inconclusive ending-

The Victorian Memorabilia

2011-12-19T20:47:00.005+08:00

1 & 2. At the library 3. Signpost 4. First floor lockers 5. School entrance 6. Outside the library

7. Container block 8. Assembly 9. Ceiling fan 10. T-block staircase 11. Chairs and tables 12. Bus stop

13. Painting area 14. Staff room entrance 15. Care and responsibility 16. Keep calm 17. S&T structure 18. Side gate

19. T13 20. Entrance 21. V24 window 22. V24 classroom 23. T13 window 24. School garden

25. T-road 26. Pineapple fried rice 27. T13 classroom 28. T24 29. Fingerprint scanner 30. Soccer field on saturdays

31. V-block classroom 32. LT5 33. Foyer

Chasing pavements

2011-12-16T21:25:00.005+08:00

Listening to: Chasing Pavements by Adele

I keep procrastinating on that application form because I know once I start, things start falling into place. Things that I have repeated, so many times, will cease to be a fantasy anymore. It's like unlocking a dream trapped in a cage, not knowing if it's going to stay.

I thought that if I keep repeating the same plans, with increasing conviction each time I do, I would be more confident in myself. I would be more confident of what I want, where my passions lie, how my future is going to be like. But truth is, I'm about as aimless as a headless chicken.

One thing I took away from the careers workshop was this- the reason why people are nervous during an interview is because something they care a lot about, is at stake.

As you step into that interview room, or hit the send button for that personal statement, everything becomes a forgone conclusion.

There are no undos or what ifs.

The probability becomes either 1 or 0.

Transit

2011-12-13T10:40:00.002+08:00

Been missing in action for too long. Often it's only when you are not supposed to do something, that you keen for it the most, no?

I like to think of myself as being in transition. I hate this feeling of uncertainty. It's like being in the process of cutting one's hair- knowing that change is about to occur and being so anxious about the outcome. But then hair can always be fixed, unlike life.

(and yes I went to cut my hair today heheh)

Somehow things are less scary when you put your (hair's) fate into someone else's hands. Is it because the blame can now be put on others?

Anyway, I am slowing inching towards this new lifestyle: apply for jobs, driving theory tests, doing whatever I want out of sudden bursts of enthusiasm i.e. jailbreaking my iTouch (recommendations for tweaks, paid apps, anyone?).

With every tiny step, things don't seem so hard anymore.

Feels like a part of the vjc life is still contained in twitter, but as always, all I can do is watch. Observe little snippets of others' lives, as plans are made and people meet. There is no longer an obligation to include, but neither is there a need to participate anymore.

I will work harder to hold on to the things and people who co-exist in the venn diagram of post-As versus pre-As. They are what matter the most, to me.

The Mean Reds

2011-12-07T00:20:00.003+08:00

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?

Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?

Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you’re getting fat and maybe it’s been raining too long, you’re just sad that’s all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid and you don’t know what you’re afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

- Breakfast at Tiffany's

Things on my mind:

#1. Prom is tomorrow.

#2. It is weird, how after As isn't really all about liberation. So may things lined up. So many expectations. Deadlines that are not too far away. That anxiety that will always be at the back of my mind.

#3. Sometimes you make a terrible decision. You get in loads of trouble. You ask yourself- is it worth it? But when the opposite scenario is impossible/ too painful to imagine, you pretty much get your answer.

#4. It's so dreary to be continually cutting off etches of this jc life, no longer following daily routines of tuition and school, missing the company of familiar people, friends returning overseas..

It's a one-way road ahead, no turning back.

Not for the weak hearted

2011-11-29T22:31:00.002+08:00

"Look at your mistakes like battle scars and love each one dearly—failing at life is also about adoring your failures because they are etching you out as some sort of person. And even if you’re not entirely sure who that giant failure of a person might be, you’re pretty sure you like them, and besides, it’s been a whole lot of fun becoming them, which is the most perfect way to fail."

How to consistently fail in life, Thought Catalog

Haha. If there was a degree in Failness I would have graduated with First Class Honours. More on that later.

So.... I finished my A levels today. Milestone of my life. Somehow this fact only dawned upon me in the middle of a movie- I'm now an A level graduate. I am eighteen years old. Old enough to watch a M18 movie. Not a little kid anymore. Capable enough (and in need) to control my own life.

Wow. What an exciting journey ahead!

Pardon the sarcasm. I'm not one to plunge into the future without any hesitation.

Back to today- it felt like I just did A levels ten times, and all within two hours! *cold sweat* Most stressful period of my life I swear.

Hannah and I watched Immortals without having the slightest clue of what the movie was about!

What is wrong with me??? I want to go back to the past and punch the 7 o'clock me for being a nincompoop.

Anyway, after buying the ticket (which stated why the movie was M18, lol) and seeing the movie poster, we wimped out and wanted to sneak in to another theatre to watch Puss in Boots instead (lol) but we were caught...

Long story short. We got our tickets and IC checked twice before the cinema people decided to leave us alone. Lol no one believed that two little girls (or one, heh) had the guts to watch the #€$^! movie.

During the entire movie we were in AGONY. I was half shaking from the anxiety/intensity/violence (in my defence, it was super cold too), half wanting to burst out into laughter for being in such a ridiculous, fail situation. It was like, there was no holding back of blood AT ALL (and while I'm at it, some of the bloody scenes looked hilariously fake).

Such torture, it is immoral.

After the movie I was utterly defeated and my legs felt like jelly. Phew!

Well, call me a coward, but I consider this to be an even bigger accomplishment/ milestone of my life (at least for my weak heart).

Funny how all these fail in my life turn out to be the most memorable and exciting recollections, and stories to tell. Heh.

Time for some less stressful activity i.e. drama watching. Goodnight!

P.S. Don't think anyone here watches vampire diaries. But anyway, it was nice watching the immortal (hehe see what I did there) original vampire Klaus as one of the most bullied character in the film!

Baby cant you see the look in my eyes

2011-11-27T00:39:00.001+08:00

T-ara Cry cry performances
Glee's karaoke app
Malt candy sour plum lollipop and mochi
Free fruit juice
Range intruders
Going home at eleven
Chilly midnight breeze

The past few days have been spent doing multiple choice questions at a snail's pace, interspersed with some episodes of bu bu jing xin.

Thursday. Leen and my sleepover plan completely foiled T.T Pig the cat took a tour around the range for a bit! I will never forget this cat, who pranced across my econs notes during one of the common tests mugging days. Thank god it didn't pee on them!

Friday. Indulged in thaipan's tom yum soup and butter squid for dinner, which was yums but super oily!

Today we were going to smuggle some sashimi into Starbucks for dinner while studying but somehow ended up in a coffee tasting session for christmas blends. Best. Being auntie and all, we tried remembering the stuff they were telling us about the coffee (coffee still tastes gross to me, btw), but alas, our efforts 派不上用场. Cos they weren't giving out vouchers anymore for the quiz ): Lol.

Starbucks's peanut butter cake is really goooooooood. Mmmmmmmm~

I will miss days like this <3

Can the child within my heart rise above

2011-11-23T09:20:00.003+08:00

"Despite this, I couldn’t shake the sneaking suspicion that my diploma was more like a “Congratulations on jumping through the hoops!” award than a testament to what I had really learned in my four years at school."

- What I really learnt in college, Thought Catalog

I've been meaning to post this after As are over.. and well, at least pseudo As are. Guess I've jumped through those hoops? (which left me a little scalded, presuming they're lighted with fire haha).

If awkwardness was my middle name then secondthoughts would be my last name. Who wouldn't want As to end? But all I see is a black hole, purposeless days and pressure to find something useful to do. Leaving behind the familiar. Everyone being busy with everything again.

Excitement doesn't come very often in my case huh.

Twigzy

2011-11-19T00:08:00.001+08:00

Stranded outside school at 23:48.

I am a happier person nowadays. Not exactly happy, just less gloomy.

Maybe sometimes all that we need is a safe distance. Sure, people can be close, but there needs to be guidelines, boundaries that we don't try to overstep. A certain degree of respect for another person's circle of comfort.

This is especially in this period of time, where we all have less strength to exude negative energy; or to really find out what's wrong beyond the overused jiayous.

A levels may be cruel but I certainly won't miss this encouraging and optimistic atmosphere.

Maybe I will sell my soul for ice cream

2011-11-10T21:25:00.002+08:00

Today is another plainly pleasant day made nice by the fact that it's my birthday (:

Reminds me that it's always good to feel good, to see good, and to remember the good. Life goes on. Moments like these will never happen again but I will remember this fuzzy feeling forever!

This means so much to me.

I wish I could tie you up in my shoes

2011-10-24T19:07:00.002+08:00

Call me timid, if you must- it's almost like a reflex syndrome. Wanting to form a covalent bond yet having inter-electronic repulsion? Chemistry is taking over my brain.

Sigh.

I feel completely, completely alone in this entire manifesto. Guys have guys- while the rest have completely disintegrated. Fact. Get over it, girl.

I just wished that I could be a little more thick-skinned, a little more open, a little less apprehensive. A little more naive, a little less analytical. A little less of a sour plum. A little more initiated. A little more willing to make things right.

When will I get out of this cage I've created for myself?

I miss company. Any sort of company.

All that's left of me

2011-10-20T18:43:00.002+08:00

I think some of us, we have a really dark side that's actually really who we are. The side that's all sorts of insecure, lonely and full of gloom. The side that's abnormally anti-social and just, sad. It's not something to be proud of, it's slightly queer and obviously not welcomed.

Thus we try to hide it. It's fine, we can be happy too if we will ourselves hard enough to be. Like all the other people. After all, smiling is a piece of cake. It is the perfect disguise.

But it's not fair. Why doesn't anyone else have a dark cloud hanging above them too? Why is it so easy for them? Why is it just me? Is it just me?

The brimming sunshine is blinding my eyes.

-

There is something that I'm doing wrong. I don't know what it is and it's killing me, through stabs after stabs of reality checks.

There is only one word for a situation like this. *

"A little voice inside my head said, "Don't look back. You can never look back" Don Henley - The Boys of Summer

2011-10-17T20:19:00.000+08:00

Come and stumble me

2011-10-17T14:48:00.002+08:00

(Who still reads this space? Or is smart enough to be able to. Haha..)

Keeping a positive outlook.

I'm willing to let go of all the negativity in me, if it means being a more pleasant person to be with, facing the next forty days with stride. I'm willing to leave behind things and people who put me down. I want to forget, even if it were just for a short while. I can only look forward, for now.

I miss you, but I don't know if it's even sensible to think about trying to sustain this friendship now. We bring each other down, you and I. Perhaps it's just for the better, separately focusing on what really matters at this life-changing point. Things can wait. They can, can't they?

My body is deteriorating. I feel perpetually thirsty and there are red dots scattered on my back for god-knows-what reason. Mum's been spamming me with all sorts of herbal tea and soup but it's not exactly effective. This is worrying. I don't need another reason to pull me away from concentrating on work when I get distracted almost 80% for the time.

Burn out? What burn out?

Thinking about all the myriad of things I'm going to do after As. For one, I'll be snuggling at home on the eighth of december, doing what I consider to be the best use of my time. I will not mope. Thereafter, I will scour Facebook albums without scorn. I promise.

I want to learn the guitar/ ukelele/ violin, I want to sew/ cook/ bake/ read/ blog, I want to properly learn drawing/ writing/ photoshop/ flash/ web design, I want to do real photography.

I will not let my passions take a step behind others' materialistic voyages of travel, shopping and outings. I can be excited about the things I care about too. I can be good in something too. For once I can feel good about myself. Don't throw away that chance.

All that said, I think I will be missing your company.

Through the hourglass

2011-10-08T03:30:00.003+08:00

Well because I hardly have the focus to do anything productive right now, I shall dedicate this post to another ending of a chapter.

I think sometimes there are blind spots that we fail to see, things that we silently know but simply do not want to acknowledge.

Today's civics session (which I expected to be grueling.. it was) opened my eyes a little more, taught me some levels of respect and acceptance, and thankfully concluded this jc life on a positive note.

Initially I was thankful for the fact that I was sitting behind my ct and started giving all sorts of nonsense faces (sorry guys- I face palm at myself), because there are some parts of me that refuse to be won over by circumstances.

It is foolish to knowingly-yet-deceivingly sugarcoat the past, just to forget all the pain. To paint a perfect memory to lessen the guilt. But at the end of the day, being self-delusional is definitely better than holding grudges and gaping emptiness that we/I carry on for the rest of eternity.

It wasn't the most brilliant idea to mourn over inadequacies and the lack of opportunities on the very last day of school. These were just excuses, really. We all live in own little bubbles because they are just too comfortable to snuggle in. There was just too much to blame and too little to reflect upon.

I guess what hit me the most is how all the 'could-have-been's come at me everyday. While I have slowly learnt to be more appreciative, it's undeniable that it eats me a little inside, every single day. It is like I have been deprived of a rightful jc experience.. yet what is it, really?

Farewell was aptly and truly epic- performances, games and speeches that were unexpectedly enjoyable. Teared a little.

I guess when you spend four years in an institution, no matter how much you dislike it, you grow so comfortable and at home that suddenly it seems so surreal that it's finally over. (Or maybe it was because they played the stupid, tear-inducing, cheeeeeeeesiest graduation song in the universe.)

But if I dont come back, then I wont look behind me

2011-09-24T08:50:00.002+08:00

Empty.

It is one thing trying to find meaning in life, and another in facing life as it is. Lately I've felt like I've completely drifted off-course from things that really matter, taking a laid back approach- not just for prelims, but also how I deal with.. more things.. (pardon the ambiguity).

Isn't this what I'm best at? Shielding myself against hardship and challenges, wearing a Sensory Deprivator 5000 (himym reference) in face of struggles that lay ahead.

I cannot continue hiding anymore. There is no other feeling worse than regret and as much as this stupid brain is wired to be abnormally weak against the temptations of sims, tumblr, formspring, youtube, twitter, blogs, dramas (the list goes on)..

There has got to be a way to overcome this!!

I know there have been numerous attempts at self-motivation on this blog (all of which have failed, by the way), but I try. Hopefully this is helping someone out there to buck up? Lol we all wonder don't we.

-

I need focus. Yet at the same time I cannot stop wondering.

All this wondering is getting me nowhere, especially when I keep doing the wrong things at the wrong time registering things ten seconds after they happen and not thinking before I act.

Le sigh.

I wish I could discover something that doesnt expire

2011-09-23T12:25:00.002+08:00

Listening to: Bubbly by Colbie Caillat

Don't know how many people will watch this video, but it's so super touching I don't think my words will ever do justice to it. So watch! You can feel so much love from their voices alone.

StoryCorps is an independent nonprofit whose mission is to provide Americans of all backgrounds and beliefs with the opportunity to record, share, and preserve the stories of our lives. (link)

It is the most amazing thing, the human voice. Don't know if I sound pseudo-philosophical or anything, but I feel so strongly for this project. Maybe the idea alone of preservation intrigues especially to someone as sentimental as me, or maybe I feel that we've all really stopped listening- I know I have, sometimes.

We've stopped opening our hearts out to all these good that's happening in our lives, the uncountable things that we should really be grateful for everyday. These videos struck a chord with me, and as I watched them (albeit obsessively, finished all of it during prelim period), I cannot help but think about my own life and the people around me.

One day, when I look back in retrospect, what would be my story? On facing death, how would I ever find the courage and be able to understand things from the perspectives of these people, to whom I so deeply admire?

5 stars, awaiting

2011-09-18T12:08:00.002+08:00

Why is it that you mistake concern with ridicule, and everything that I seem to be doing is against all morals?

I just want to understand ):

In any case, prelims are halfway over. And I sometimes feel like knocking myself on the woodblock head for being such a lazy bum. Completely wasted my friday and Saturday doing nonsense.

"If you think discipline is painful, try regret."

Sigh. Just can't seem to get my act together. Thinking about so many things.

I think everything is just falling apart, y'know. One day we'll all just be making eye contact, no smiles, and when people ask, we'll just say, 'oh, just an ex-schoolmate. Nothing more.

What do I expect anyway.

Quote of the day: the mixture of people who cannot mix together. (Hannah) Seriously LOLed at this.

Okay got to go back to memorizing the huge chunk of planning questions for tomorrow. Just wanted to update because the blog has become stagnant.

(Untitled)

2011-09-15T13:17:00.001+08:00

“They passed each other in the very center of the street. The faintest gleam of their lost memories glimmered for the briefest moment in their hearts. Each felt a rumbling in their chest. And they knew:

She is the 100% perfect girl for me.

He is the 100% perfect boy for me.

But the glow of their memories was far too weak, and their thoughts no longer had the clarity of fouteen years earlier. Without a word, they passed each other, disappearing into the crowd. Forever.

A sad story, don’t you think?

Yes, that’s it, that is what I should have said to her.”

-The Elephant Vanishes, Haruki Murakami

Sims sims sims

2011-09-04T15:22:00.010+08:00

New blogging interface is cool! Haven't blogged on the computer for quite long already.

Anyway. Haven't been studying must because of my new addiction. DIEEEE.

SIMS SOCIAL IS DAMN FUN.

Just wanted to show you my nice house.. haha. And also to express my discontentment towards people (I know in real life) who detune my stereo!! Wl detune already I have to go fix it.. do something else like pee on my plant! Argh.

Love the brunette hair colour! And I also love playing the guitar :D

Also my facebook is actually spammed with sims social stuff but I blocked it all out. Wahaha.

Started playing on friday evening, because I had a dream about it the night before. I dreamt I was playing the game although I had no idea how it looked like. Then after that of course curious right.. then gg lor. MUST BAN MYSELF. SOON. (after I finish the quest!)

(Never gonna happen.)

I also think that sims defies all forms of real-life actual social behaviour. Requesting to be someone good friend on sims when you're actually not irl.. awkward!

Side note: Jang Geun Suk is starring in a new movie! Yay!

P.S. My blog posts actually look quite profound one and now this... :/ haha.

Look, I am not daft. Neither am I afraid of you.

2011-09-02T14:45:00.001+08:00

But was it really necessary for you to stir up the hate?

All delusion is struggle with form

2011-08-26T23:48:00.003+08:00

"I don’t think that we’re ever as uninhibited and unafraid as we are when we’re children. When I was thirteen, I was not unafraid, and I was not uninhibited, but I knew less about the world than I do now."
- I think I peaked at age thirteen, Thought Catalog

Love reading Thought Catalog (introduced by sherri's blog, jupme@blogspot, but I doubt she reads this place), smiling to myself sometimes as I do, and occasionally going, this, is the beauty of language. The mysterious power to describe something that I've been feeling all along, but (unfortunately) unable to put into words.

Watching 'homeless to harvard' was a good break from mindless studying, reminding me/us of boundless potentials and blurring the fine line between dreams and reality. It's something that movies are guilty of committing- to leave us feeling satisfied after a movie, yet with a tinge of hollowness. A feeling that goes, 'this is wonderful, but I'm never going to be like that'.

There are doors that close, one by one, as we grow up. When I was young, the world seemed so unlimited, like I could be anything.

I could drive a plane.
I could teach.
I could be an artist.
I could be like my mum.

These were the moments where I saw something and went, full of conviction, 'this is what I want to be when I grow up'. I had no idea on how to get there (I don't think I heard of junior college till secondary school), I didn't think about any of those social stereotypes or material benefits, all I had was interest, and interest alone.

I sincerely believed that anything was possible as long as my heart was in it.

Where have all the dreams gone to? As we take each step nearer to adulthood, we are struck by practicality. We are told things like, 'I don't think you are every good in _, maybe you should try something else?'. We become conveniently dismissed/ forgotten when the teacher goes, 'I know y'all will accomplish great things in life'. We are labelled, segmented into boxes of worth and either (1) worshipped and nurtured or (2) left to have dust piled on.

But the sad truth is that such things happen only with my permission. Why do I let anyone make me feel bad about myself all the time?

I have been the one closing those doors.

I don't want to be disappointed, and have my fluffy, shimmery gloss of this world be trampled on and smirked at. There is so little courage that becomes overpowered by fear; in wanting to strive wholeheartedly but risk everything go to waste eventually. So I stopped dreaming.

I really do want to find those dreams back through, especially to get me through the next fifteen weeks.

"When I was thirteen, I believed that there was actually a chance that my crush would send me a rose on Valentine’s Day; I believed that I’d have a prom date and that prom night would be perfect and fairytale-like; I believed that people would treat me as well as I treated them. It’s not that I don’t believe in anything anymore; of course I do. But now I know better than to believe in fantasy, and maybe that’s the problem." -quote from above

-

With prelims in less than a week, this is going to be the 'make or break it' point.

I am extremely afraid of falling into the abyss of 'this is not even the a levels, I will pick things up by then' mentality because I will not. This examination MATTERS. Has this simple idea completely vanished from my mind since four years ago? Now would be a good time to pick it up.

The story needs amending and a better happy ending

2011-08-16T20:59:00.005+08:00

"...the quiet losses, the little deaths that litter your path when you begin the next stage of your life."

- Why Does Graduating From college Suck So Hard?, Thought Catalog

Today, Hannah and I (sort of, but not really) reminisced about some of the notable incidents in school (when we were supposed to be studying, oops).

The class we have, the type of class we wished we could have but are never going to get.

This is a bad time to feel sentimental but it has slowly dawned upon me that as we countdown to the ultimate showdown (hehe it rhymes), the days left of grumbling and feeling begrudged are too, quietly creeping away.

These are times where sentimental me will try desperately to cling on to whatever nostalgia I can get, take snapshots of secluded corners in school, observe, observe, and observe again.

Try to etch the funny, yet distant, moments in my mind, keep them in a wooden box, open them up again ten years later, chuckle and give out an inaudible sigh.

"...the hardest part about graduating college for me—no longer being in the same place as your friends. We’re all just so far away from each other now and some of us are successful and some of us aren’t and some of us are getting there and some of us may never get there."

How do I describe this feeling- when you take a deep breath and memories of this college life starts flooding in, breathe out as everyone carries on with their own little lives, some hundreds of miles away, some so near yet so far apart.

Just another day in school

2011-08-14T22:45:00.000+08:00

Calendar girl

2011-08-10T22:45:00.004+08:00

Caught up with the air rifle seniors yesterday. It's some of the things that make me not regret joining arc- the amazingly strong support and the lovely people, and one of the rare places where I feel a sense of belonging and identity.

Anyway! Being the youngest amongst everyone present made me feel like the monstrosity of A levels has been overblown.

Not saying that it isn't important of course- just that it has never (maybe only just slightly) occurred to me that there is a life out there after A's, a completely different chapter, away from things like national day celebrations, assemblies, childish guys (lol), uniforms.. just to name a few.

A new world with completely foreign things like 'gems', modules with weird codes, double degrees, honours, halls, 'market value' (lol) and bidding systems.

Things that sound intriguing to me (and qi haha) but are muttered over without much deliberation at all.

And then there are things which do not seem too different: fretting over group members for project work, the ratio-which-shall-not-be-named, CCAs, studying hard..

But what strikes me most is that although it looks like so much as changed over these two years, at the heart of it it feels like nothing has changed at all. These are still the same girls who've been through junior college, endured through the same tumultuous stress as us, then went on to cross the bridge that is post A's.

It's also heartening to know that things will always work out somehow at the end of the day- universal rule.

That is all.

And there she goes again

2011-08-04T17:37:00.004+08:00

And the nights are not long enough,

And life slips by like a field mouse,

Not even shaking the grass.

–Ezra Pound
It's when she actually announced her intentions aloud, that the practicality of her 'dreams' begin to touch ground. It was like creating something out of nothing and making herself responsible for it.

Side effects: crushed spirits, accountability. And no turning back.

On the other hand, as many things begin to fall into place, life becomes more real. Every action (or the lack of one) leads to a consequence, or a regret that will last for an eternity.

Remember this.

Maybe this is the time she's been waiting for- when reality really kicks in, subtly but yet so brutally.

When she starts to see things from a broader perspective, they change. She sees implications, things that she's been trying to avoid as she drifts away in clouds and plans that she never really gone out to accomplish.

She sees the world out there and how near she is from entering it, and it scares her a little.

With each day she carries the dreams of not just herself, but of her loved ones.

These aren't just dreams anymore, they are promises.

Reality

2011-08-02T21:05:00.001+08:00

And meanwhile, time goes about its immemorial work, of making everyone look — and feel — like shit.

–Martin Amis, London Fields

If I could have things my way, every step would be a skip, I could start singing as and when I like, and laugh as loud as I wanted.

I have an urge to burst into tears.

But you.

2011-08-01T19:03:00.001+08:00

"I think about putting effort into a well-composed message, extending my hand in friendship – a sane one this time – only to fear that he will look at it in disgust, trash the message and go on with his life, never thinking about me again. Which I’m convinced is the case." - Thought Catalog, July 2011

Dreams/Pensives

2011-07-28T21:06:00.004+08:00

"Dreams seem to help us process emotions by encoding and constructing memories of them. What we see and experience in our dreams might not necessarily be real, but the emotions attached to these experiences certainly are. Our dream stories essentially try to strip the emotion out of a certain experience by creating a memory of it. This way, the emotion itself is no longer active."
- Scientific American, July 2011

Dreams, emotions stored into pensives.

One thing that I learnt about Edvantage yesterday was not so much about the organizations, but more about myself. I learnt that a simple thing like genuine interest can make someone as timid as me become bright-eyed, eagerly asking questions and having an enjoyable conversation which only serves to fuel instead of draining my energy (as it usually does).

A spark.

There are some truths in life, where some peoples first choices become another's back-up plans. Three things- ability, passion and contributions to society. But sometimes you have to admit that prestige fits somewhere into the picture as well. For it is with prestige that there is unswayed confidence and a sense of security. But for how long?

There is only one direction now and that is forward. I feel a certain closeness with those who face the same challenges as me, and less so with those who have gone so far away from sight. So far, that I have let go of the possibility of ever catching up.

Remember the story of the tortoise and the hare? This is the turtle who had been asleep and just woken up. Slow and steady just doesn't quite cut it anymore.

The split second of when our eyes connect

2011-07-24T19:35:00.002+08:00

Wake up in the morning, being really bummed that it's 6 am instead of 1, toss and turn, reluctantly get out of bed and clear the table full of uncompleted work from the night before.

I wonder it is to what extent that I will want something so much so that some sense can be knocked into this stubborn head of mine.

I realised that being present when someone is (physically) hurt, and unable to do anything can be slightly torturing. Note to self: take up first aid skills after a's. On top of the other 101 things.

I don't like to talk to people when they think their opinions are superior, being condescending, try to put you down with insolence and brush things off with a statement like, 'oh, matter of opinion'.

I try to refrain from complaining about things that I am not attempting to change, because it irks me to listen to people like that.

I'd like to think of this blog as a rather obscure place.

I'm not telling you it is going to be easy, I'm telling you it's going to be worth it.

2011-07-14T22:17:00.006+08:00

It's always very comforting when the full moon follows you on the bus ride home.

I wrote a long, sad, unpublished post yesterday, of confusion, shaking confidence and overwhelm.

It doesn't have to be that way.

Everyday, there are people who inspire me. These are people who take charge of the situation, to aim high, to do things.

"Do or do not, there is no try." -Yoda
Everything is clearer now.

P.S. Thank you Li Lin for the K pendant necklace!! I feel so empowered now haha :D

Delusional Sunset

2011-07-13T20:30:00.001+08:00

With a spur of irrationality I blew my top today.

Wasn't very nice.

It was just so much that I could take in one day.

An old song, that you know by heart

2011-07-12T20:23:00.002+08:00

The discovery of an old friend
similar to breathing in the autumn air
a hint of nostalgia
yet refreshing at the same time

Genuine concern
familiarity
a knowing smile
redefining how you thought things were
lies, betrayal, disappointment
with how it feels like now

An unquestionable distance
a desire to fill that gap
an echoing fear to be let down
again

Is this a temporary euphoria

a delusion of some sort
does it deserve another chance
or is it just playing with my head

An unsentimental goodbye

2011-07-10T09:26:00.002+08:00

Bade farewell to a classmate on thursday.

I admire her, for having a great outlook on life, never daunted, unafraid of defying conventional ways. Qualities of which timid little me has much to work towards.

Although not the model student leader that is so often glorified by scholarship boards/ universities, she is a joy to be with, always bringing her smile and carefree personality everywhere she goes, and effortlessly capturing the hearts of the people around her. I sound like I'm writing her testimonial..

Farewell, Sally!

Had dinner at Hong Kong Cafe after school with the class (biggest turn out ever?). Took photos, laughed. Played charades sitting at the most awkward corner.

Awkward has to be my middle name.

-

The most interesting things happen precisely when people think you're not looking.

Sent from my iPod

P.S. Coincidence? I think not.

Heart that's pounding

2011-07-05T17:45:00.002+08:00

...because I went running!

Practically dragged my lazy ass out of the house to do some running out/ at the gym today. Of which I have never done since eons ago.

Bad mood today, spent practically the entire day complaining and giving a D< face. Guess that's going to continue for the entire week. Well.

Sometimes I don't want to tweet anymore- my own timeline is full of bitter, sour comments that make me sound like a jaded old person.

Better that a subdued girl who is secretly feeling violent and wanting to throw rotten eggs at *cough* certain people *cough*.

Tomorrow will be a better day, I promise.

P.S. What the hell, awkward moment is #foreverimmortalised. Zzzz zzzz.

"And we are just breakable, breakable girls and boys."

2011-07-03T12:48:00.003+08:00

It's been half a year gone past, and I'm feeling reflective. It has been a relatively mundane period, except for some special occasions: rifle nationals, music for hope 2011 and the london trip. These are some things that I've ~~learnt~~ thought about over the six months.

To be honest I opened the blogging page for three times and kept it open for hours not knowing what to write. Not because I have nothing to say, but its difficult to word things to make it seem more introspective without being too sensitive; reader-friendly without being too explicit.

Here goes.

#1. Respect

I have learnt to respect people no matter how much I don't like them. There are two sides to everything- and no one deserves the right to give tainting comments on someone/ something when they only have one side of the story.

Everyone deserves the minimum bit of recognition for the things that they do.

#2. Fundamentals

Academics wise, I learnt that IT IS IMPOSSIBLE to know things at surface value if you want to take on an exam and do well. And it baffles me how I can restudy last year's and this year's syllabus in.. 9 weeks (or less).

#3. Mentality

Rifle has taught me so much about mentality and the difference it can make- about time I apply it to school. Sometimes I really hate myself for being so pessimistic. I cannot understand why (with the entire jun holidays) people still can be so bent on failing a subject. It just doesn't really make sense..

but I do it all the time.

Its not like I don't study, but it comes down to that last day, everything I've done feels like it has been thrown out of the window and my confidence level is back to zero. Going all 'I am going to fail I am going to fail' is so damn disheartening and disorientating sometimes but I can't help it.

Most of the time it leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy too. Can't let this happen anymore.

It's so sad after every exam when I feel so utterly, utterly defeated, that all I've every done has gone down the drain because I couldn't be bothered to make that last bit of effort. Also why I retract from talking about the paper right after it because it just makes me ):

#4. Trust

There's something about trust that is sacred. Trust is good, but sometimes it boils down to 'no one is going to look out for you except yourself'. After an unfortunate incident, I've learnt how it's always going to have to start out from 0% and build its way up to the top.

#5. -

I don't know what to say when people ask.. resorting to talking about the blue sky instead. I can't blame anyone- not in making this choice, not in already knowing what will happen and still going forward with it. It was a good opportunity and that was all to it. I don't want to fight for anything, neither do I want to pretend to be excited about things I'm really not about. Perhaps that's where the line was drawn?

Things like these make me wonder why I'm born this way.

(Untitled)

2011-07-02T13:34:00.000+08:00

UK Photo Batch #4

2011-07-01T01:29:00.004+08:00

Stoke Bruerne
Stoke Bruerne is a small village and civil parish in South Northamptonshire, England about 10 miles (16 km) north of Milton Keynes and 7 miles (11 km) south of Northampton. (x)

This was my favourite place because it was so beautiful.

The canal is the focus of the village, and apparently they still transport some things like coal to some of the houses through boats. Isn't that totally primitive! Also, the place is kind of sloped, so they have these canal locks every now and then so there won't be water currents. Whenever a boat needs to pass through, someone would have have push the doors open to let the water fall through!

I sound very amused because I have no idea where these people some from- they don't look like they are working, and even if the locks were at their doorstep or something it's still takes a lot of effort to open them every fifteen minutes or so.

The boats themselves are gorgeous, painted with really bold colours and just so English! They also have the cutest figurines on top of them, like a fake owl which confused all of us, like, what's the owl doing there in the middle of the day (isn't it nocturnal)? Many of them just rent these boats for a day to relax, traveling along the canal and enjoying the scenery over a cup of tea (wild guess). Some of them own the boats, and it's really cool to see things like stoves inside the boats!

The people we met in this place were also one of the nicest throughout our trip. They all sound like they know each other, and imagine, just taking people on boat trips, or taking them for a walk around the village as a job! I sound like I'm completely not suitable for this urban life that is Singapore.

So entranced by this place. I went on an itouch-esque phototaking spree, randomly choosing a photo effect and capturing a shot each time, not knowing how it will turn out. Needless to say, they were all (almost) tumblr-worthy ^^

Trivia: Swans in England mostly belong to the Queen. Every year there is a ceremony called the swan upping, where Vintners and Dyers make a notch in the beaks of the Swans that belong to them, so they can be told apart from the ones that belong to the Queen.

There were plenty of swans in the canal! Absolutely lovely.

London School of Economics
The London School of Economics and Political Science (informally the London School of Economics or LSE) is a public research university specialised in the social sciences located in London, United Kingdom and a constituent college of the federal University of London. (x)

Leon Restaurant (London)

We had lunch at Leon's which was just a five minute walk away from our hotel in London. The setting at that place was very vintagey, '50s type. Nice! The food was interesting, to say the least. Sweet potato mash, steamed chicken with broccoli (something like that? I can't remember), and really salty sausage-like things. Not the best meal, and we were all still really hungry after that):

Singapore High Commission
Singapore & the UK established diplomatic relations, shortly after our independence, on 12 November 1965. Singapore's first High Commissioner to the United Kingdom was Mr Arumugam Ponnu Rajah. The current High Commissioner, Mr Michael Teo, assumed his post on 8 Jan 2002. (x)

A silent whisper to make it right

2011-06-30T23:08:00.002+08:00

Hi there!

My exams are (kind of, but not really) over! But so far it's been really empty- not entirely wanting to start studying again (albeit with all the email hounding by teachers, sigh), but not enjoying myself either. How to enjoy when there's only so little weeks left? ):

Will try to make productive use of this unproductive time. Going to edit the Birmingham/ Stoke Bruerne pictures (my favourite batch of photos although I'm in almost none of them). Stock Bruerne is the most lovely place ever!

Shall also start a mini-project-like thing.. depends on whether I have the perseverance to continue it. Hope I will. Details when I actually start on it.

And then there's this thing called the Top Three Achievements.

Well :/

Day 1

2011-06-27T17:28:00.001+08:00

If you never say your name aloud to anyone, they can never ever call you back.
- Better, Regina Spektor

I wonder what will happen if I get a hand cramp (is there such a thing) in the middle of an exam.

Frantic writing for around 6 hours straight is seriously no joke.. old news huh.

Not really frantic actually. Do you get the floating feeling sometimes in the middle of an exam, like just being omniscient for a while? I do, and that's when I know that subject's a goner.

A warm bath, a good laugh, an old song that you know by heart

2011-06-24T02:24:00.004+08:00

Listening to: A Song about Love by Charlie Mcdonnell (charlieissocoollike on YouTube)

I think being addicted to something bad to you can be very emotionally draining.

Trying to abstain from it is tough, but the longer it gets the more pleased you are with yourself- but that lingering temptation is still there... until you succumb to it. It's a continuous cycle of guilt and tempt, guilt and tempt, all the while doing harm to yourself.

Guess I'm just not strong-willed enough.

-

I think I enjoy living in self-delusion. Sometimes I imagine scenarios that aren't remotely possible just to make myself feel better about the things in my life. And every little small incident or word-of-mouth just serves to feed my own fantasy, in the squeamish, girlish type of way.

But can you blame me; do you expect me to continue living in this gloomy situation, devoid of anything to be grateful for?

Two more terms until the end of this chapter. Should I say good riddance, or shall this self-created reality allow me to give this piece of memory the nostalgia that it vaguely deserves?

I don't really know what to think.

For Good

2011-06-21T14:18:00.005+08:00

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you, I have been changed for good.

Singing to: For good by Wicked

I have a song that I keep singing to everyday- yesterday was One Sweet Love by Sara Barellies; day before was Electric Twist by A Fine Frenzy

Trying to fill up my super uneventful life with new/ rediscovered songs; as well as reliving the past by arranging the UK photographs (all of which are stolen, by the way, oops).

Term three is going to be insane, all the way until the a levels. Sometimes I feel all alone in this battle.. but I'm sure that's going to change after school starts.

My stamina is extremely low. One full day of studying just leads to three days of lazing and not wanting to touch the books at all. Sigh, trying to find balance.

Studying is sometimes a pretty enjoyable thing -cue horrified looks- I mean, the immense sense of satisfaction after doing productive work and simplying learning things can be pretty nice.

One thing I hate is to be forced to do things I don't like. If I'm going to face studying with so much dread for the next twenty weeks, how am I going to survive?

-Chants- Chem can be fun chem can be fun chem can be fun.

While I try to understand and appreciate what is going on, time is ticking away. There is going to be compromise, and there is also that wavering confidence..

But if there's one thing I am aiming towards, it's not to feel regret on that fateful day.

UK Photo Batch #3

2011-06-20T00:00:00.001+08:00

Buckingham Palace

Buckingham Palace was built in 1702 by the Duke of Buckingham as his London home. Today Buckingham Palace is used not only as the home of The Queen and her husband, The Duke of Edinburgh, but also for the administrative work for the monarchy. It is here in the state apartments that Her Majesty receives and entertains guests invited to the Palace. (x)

Changing of the Guards
The Queen's Guard and Queen's Life Guard are the names given to contingents of infantry and cavalry soldiers charged with guarding the official royal residences in London. The guard change at Buckingham Palace is scheduled to take place daily with an official start time of 11.30am (x) (x)

UK Photo Batch #2

2011-06-19T00:00:00.002+08:00

The University of Oxford

The University of Oxford is a university in Oxford, England. It is the second oldest surviving university in the world. There is no clear date of foundation but teaching existed at Oxford as early as 1096 and developed from 1167 when King Henry II banned English students from studying at the University of Paris.

There are thirty-eight colleges of the University of Oxford, each controlling its membership and with its own internal structure and activities.

The academic year is divided into three terms: Michaelmas Term lasts from October to December; Hilary Term from January to March; and Trinity Term from April to June. (x) (x)

Fiction

Lewis Carroll lived and worked in Oxford and it here he wrote the momentous book Alice in Wonderland. The main character is based on an Alice Carroll knew who was the daughter of a colleague at Christ Church College. (x)

Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire at the New College Cloisters - Harry has fallen out with everyone and comes face to face with Malfoy sitting in the tree. Malfoy is then turned into a ferret in front of our eyes to the annoyance of Professor McGonagall. (x)

Academic dress

The University of Oxford has a long tradition of academic dress, and a visitor to Oxford during term will see academic dress worn on a regular basis. (x)

At the University of Oxford , carnations are traditionally worn to all examinations; white for the first exam, pink for exams in between and a red for the last exam. Originally this was a white carnation that was kept in a red inkpot between exams, so by the last exam it was fully red. (x)

But it kicks, yeah!

2011-06-17T23:34:00.005+08:00

I feel laaaaaaazy vibes all over me. (click here if you do too)

The four huge piles of work are arranged in P C M E order and urging me that there is a HUGE opportunity cost in using the computer.. it is not obviously not doing its job.

&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/center&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;

Been listening to this song all day- at least twenty times I think! Love the lyrics and sometimes in the midst of (half-hearted) studying I just want to jump up and go 'but it kicks, yeah!'.

Slightly insane, I know.

But man these few days I've been dedicatedly digging my own grave of doom. (as illustrated below)

Playing wahjong, hours and hours in the computer lab tumblring to no end, reading girly teenage magazines in the library, checking twitter every 5 minutes (OCD), and the worst-

Staying up until 2 with my little bro, reading jokes from his 'horrid henry jokebook' and thinking of 4-syllable words to fit into the song 'Don't cry for me, ___ (previously Argentina)'.

I am secretly five years old.

Spent today going to bugis library which was full, then to tampines library, got lost on the way though it's my hundredth time there, went to read said magazines instead of studying, and back home.. damn retarded wasted four hours of my life.

Another thing is that I've just connected my dad's netbook to the tv monitor and am majorly impressed in seeing my own blog on the large screen.

Peace out. (trivia: the peace sign is considered vulgar in Britain)

And my mind played hopscotch.

2011-06-16T20:27:00.004+08:00

I put a lot of thoughts into my words and actions. Sometimes.

I try to portray an image which is best and establish a relationship that hopefully is the most appropriate as it is.

Yet I'm not too sure what it is that I really want. Sometimes I try to push forward, sometimes I try to pull back.. especially because I want to continue staying in that little safe zone. It's like treading on a tight rope, trying to find that precise point of equilibrium.

I'm afraid of going too far. I don't want to lose myself and end up in a mess.

(like my brain isn't in one right now)

On the borderline

2011-06-13T13:40:00.002+08:00

Huddling under the bed covers at 1.29pm, not wanting to break out of this confined, safe place that I've created for myself.

It's so hard. My mind is a constant struggle of 'I can't do this' versus 'you can, you have to, you must' and 'I can't afford to screw this up anymore'. I guess that's what I lose out on- such weak perseverance coupled with an extreme lag of whatever has been going on this whole year.

It is one thing to say and another thing to act upon one's words. I guess I've been counting on such pressure to strive on but ultimately, everything is for myself. I also don't need to be daunted by every word that comes out of people's mouths, judgements that I have no obligation to prove otherwise.

Sigh shall get out of my lazy bubble now. It's econs day today.

UK Trip Photo Batch #1

2011-06-11T18:13:00.014+08:00

Iron Bridge
The Iron Bridge crosses the River Severn at the Ironbridge Gorge, by the village of Ironbridge, in Shropshire, England. It was the first arch bridge in the world to be made out of cast iron, a material which was previously far too expensive to use for large structures. (x)

Wicked the Musical

Wicked tells the story of Elphaba, the future Wicked Witch of the West, and her relationship with Galinda, later Glinda, the Good Witch of the North. Their friendship struggles through their opposing personalities and viewpoints, rivalry over the same love-interest, their reactions to the Wizard's corrupt government, and, ultimately, Elphaba's public fall from grace. (x)

Photo credits: Eileen, Weiting, Xiaohui

Owl post

2011-06-08T00:05:00.003+08:00

I'm flying at thirty-seven thousand feet above ground, at 563 miles per hour, spending the last hour of my United Kingdom trip reminiscing as the sun sets.

UK is an amazingly beautiful place. It has been a magical trip, visiting canals with swans, standing at the very same spot where Hogwarts students had their meals, watching the Wicked musical, taking the London subway (which was more of a nightmare) amongst so many other activities.

Sure there were some days where I wish I didn't go for the trip at all, small singular footsteps tapping against a background of loud voices and shrilling laughter.

But all's good. I got to soak in the UK atmosphere, and there was just so much to see & feel.

Wouldn't have traded this experience for anything else in the world.

“I really really really really really like you!”

2011-05-30T19:28:00.001+08:00

Away from 28 May - 7 May

2011-05-28T19:29:00.002+08:00

(UK Birmingham Immersion Trip)

xoxo

Five stars for asking a question & walking away from it all

2011-05-26T23:45:00.003+08:00

I complicate matters in my brain. A lot. It's like evil poison.

In my attempt to record more happenings in my life, I became perpetually fused into another class today. Not necessarily a bad thing, I guess. At least I spent less time whining about my existing poor plight.

Sigh, long time since I felt a decent type of class spirit. I also have started giving secret death glares to other people who complain about their class(:

This topic never gets old.

In other news, I now have a popped bubble (aka a blister but it sounds cuter that way) on the soles of my feet.

I feel extremely stupid for walking the whole day on the outer sides of my feet. Walking down the stairs is such a bitch. And I had no idea that we take so many steps a day. But it is nice to know that people do care.

/edit/ PANIC HOW TO WALK IN LONDON DIE /endedit/

This is turning into a very whiny post.

Whiny point number 3: I failed super super super super terribly for my chemistry test today. It's so bad I don't even feel anything.

Can I drop to H0 chemistry. Like now.

Sent from my iPod

Caramel popcorn is dope

2011-05-25T19:04:00.006+08:00

Hello I'm back! Here to blog about my life other than nonsensical emo nonsense. Also an atypically long(er) post, with too many drops of bitterness to count.

It's been a pretty fulfilling week so far. Probably like the last week before the official crazy school mugging begins :(

-having a fear that this dozing bobbing girl beside me will suddenly fall on me..-

Monday: floorball boys finals
Tuesday: soccer girls finals

Don't know if it's just me, but why does it seem like the referee is always on the opposing team's side?! And I shall retreat my earlier (pretty mean) remarks about sports. I guess it's just that sports really brings people together.

Regardless whether it's because of the desire to win, or due to the oh-so-passionistic patriotism towards the school (which I obviously do no have), the atmosphere was intense. I found myself cheering the best that I could, although I honestly doubt that it makes much of a difference given the insane amount of people that this school sends for match support.

(and mind you, I can shout pretty darn loudly given my typical teeny voice)

Wednesday: Magic!

Other than the mini amusement from learning some tricks (and looking like a 'magic'-mugger because I was copying notes for my brothers who are obsessed with magic), it was heartening to learn about Project Smile, which is about spreading joy by teaching, then letting school kids perform magic tricks for the less privileged.

Come to think about it, magic and sports are one of the rare things that transcend language barriers and individual differences.

Oh and to the endless number of people who are 'pleasantly suprised' or simply exhilarated about the oh-so-very-precious bonding time with their class.. I have nothing to say, except to give this face-

..but that would just be acting cute.

Hardcore shopping with hannah after that and the worst thing is that after 5 hours, I still can't find a bloody decently looking (& also decently priced) bag.

Who knew shopping could be so torturing! I must either be:

(1) Too picky but I seriously doubt so, since I have an urge to grab bags off every other walking person on the street because I was so. Tired. From. Walking.

(2) Looking at the wrong places. Probably..? But I think I passed by at least 5 different c&k outlets so I suppose that's a pretty large scope already isn't it.

I also walked past city link 6 times today. Now I realise how ridiculously long it is.

Walao how like that Saturday leaving already!!

Okay bye tired I shall go home and watch the glee finale, which I heard sucked but then again what's new?

Ambivalence

2011-05-22T09:51:00.007+08:00

Everyday I try to depend less on others and be more independent. I am utterly convinced that if I place too much expectations on someone, the greater the disappointments, the harder it is to get back up. That's why I refuse to be tailing behind anymore. Why should I? I do my own things- you do yours. It is a great pity that I will no longer trust you after so many setbacks.

***

I am extremely exhilarated that in exactly 7 days from now, I'll be whizzing halfway across the world to the mystical land of the United Kingdom!

Although being me, with so much excitement comes all these worries at the back of my mind, constantly threatening me, dampening my spirits, feeding me with anything and everything that could go wrong. I really don't want to feel this way- where is that feeling of pure jubilation that I've always been searching for?

***

I'm not very keen on dreaming. Somehow dreams always reflect my innermost fears- losing someone I love, being rejected.. It's almost like a double life whereby everything turns out wrong. The cross between my dreams and reality are so overlapped that sometimes I become so afraid, and it feels like I'm choking on my heart every time I wake up after a bad dream.

/edit/

Taylor Swift's mv for the story of us comes out on tuesday! It's like one of my favourite songs, yay excited(:

/endedit/

(Untitled)

2011-05-12T21:25:00.000+08:00

“We’re not friends but we can pretend to be.”

2011-05-12T20:40:00.000+08:00

11 May 2011

I found it pretty apt that civics was about stress this/last morning. Don't know whether to call it stress, or depression, or whatnot.. but lately I have been bothered by so many things, some more than others. The more troubled I feel, the more I try to escape, the more I keep quiet, the worse the problems become. And some stuff are not as simple as squeezing a stress ball.

I guess I got snapped out of my small bubble of American-drama-hyperreality pretty badly today, pulling me back to the ground, of expectations and things I have to settle and problems waiting to be solved.

Generally I tend to maintain a neutral-friendly type of relationship, given how my S component has hit the ceiling so high (coming from my stubborn reluctance in voicing out my opinions). Perhaps it's because after so long, I am still afraid. I think too far. I am too considerate to the point that compromise and negotiation are much too dangerous to partake in. Sadly, it also shows that I don't trust myself enough.

I feel like things are backfiring on me but I cannot take that next step.

Love is the sky

2011-05-08T23:35:00.007+08:00

1) #theawkwardmoment when you look up and realize that everyone's staring at you because you're the only person still eating. Also, #theawkwardmoment when you are tired and blur and turn around, only to have people burst out laughing at an expression on your face (which is apparently hilarious for a still-unknown reason).

2) Went for ICS night.. super super hilarious! The dances were good, and I seriously didn't know my classmate was so talented, tsk. I am kind of impressed haha. Totally didn't regret going at all although it was like half a day gone, 'cos it was a once in a lifetime opportunity! I shall stop because it is getting ambiguous without the context hehs.

3) Got called model student in class, haha BEST. Jokingly, but still, historical moment of my life so I must record it down (and carve it in stone lol). But damn paiseh, after that I kept giving the wrong answers T.T oh well. My moment of glory is gone but it was fun while it lasted..

4) Passed the last NAPFA of my life!!! Body still aching from it though ): Jumping backwards for SBJ (Y) Flab and fats here I come!

5) Sat at the same place from 9.30pm to 4am, watching tv, reading tweets and listening to the radio. Didn't even feel it was that long but that lack of sleep is taking its toll on me and causing a domino effect (i.e. perpetual sleepiness and lazzzzziness)

6) Gossip girl and vampire diaries are damn happening now OMG SO EXCITED. And Georgina Sparks is coming back in the season finale!! (gossip girl) So are Jesse St. James and Sunshine Corazon! (glee) All of my favorite characters ^^

(180+)

2011-05-06T01:10:00.004+08:00

Don't know why I always seems to have this (delusional) projection of myself being an absolute model student in the 'nearby' future. Like, suddenly I just might become more disciplined and everything once the hard truth hits me deep enough. And future jingxin will fix this up and all will go well.

So I am still waiting for that girl to miraculously appear. But who am I kidding right.

There is nothing less stressful than going to school, desperately, blindingly chasing something right-smacked in my face, something I know I will never have the competence nor drive to achieve.

It is a bit like failing standing broad jump. Repeatedly.

I need a system of absolute precision, telling me exactly what I have to do from here. It's not fun drowning in workload, yet being so adverse to facing them.

Non-political ranting

2011-05-05T07:25:00.002+08:00

Firstly I must state that I'm a little grumpy these days because I have been trying to abstain from watching gossip girl and glee.

-

Honestly I haven't read so much news since the general elections. I just feel like it's an obligation, y'know? Like as a Singapore citizen, to watch the rallies and know about the issues and stuff. Then again I'm a global citizen too but I don't bother with global news, so. (and actually I haven't really been keeping up since the weekend cos of school.)

But it's still pretty amazing how people around me (i.e. twitter because I have no life) seem to be pretty well-informed too. Who says youths are apathetic?

I try to be open-minded about the issues that the opposition addressed.. but obviously these are what concerns people most. You can argue it out with long time benefits blah blah, but there are always people who fall through the cracks and end up being forgotten, while everyone basks in 'economic growth' and rising GDP and being top in whatever.

It also irks me when people just slam the opposition without any rhyme or reason. I mean like, if you read up on the policies and criticize constructively it is fine. But not just because they're opposition. After all who knows that they might do the job better? Not everyone in the opposition is inferior to those in the leading party.

And I salute those in the opposition because, at the bottom line, what they're doing is providing democracy and the right to vote to us, (given that most will vote for the leading party anyway, but at least there is a choice).

iMoleskine

2011-05-01T17:16:00.002+08:00

Looks like a solo tonight

2011-04-23T09:51:00.003+08:00

Blow the candles out / Looks like a solo tonight / I'm beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out / Looks like a solo tonight /But I think I'll be alright

Hi.

Many things have happened since I last blogged about anything significant. A birthday celebration, a national competition, a concert. School.

It's true that a blog is sometimes untrue- what I really feel is often masked with seemingly incoherent sentences or not written out at all. It's not completely fake- it's just things that I let people see.

I'm beginning to blog less frequently now.

Rifle nationals on thursday sort of marks the end of my cca journey in this school. Looking back, choir, floorball, air rifle.. all three ccas have become part of me. I may not have enjoyed myself while being in them, but now they hold bits of nostalgia that I cherish. And miss.

Sometimes we only treasure things when they're no longer part of our lives.

Or maybe it's just how we're all inherently built to forget about the unpleasant and to sugarcoat the past.

I complain so much it sickens me. Nothing ever turns out what I want them to be- the present, no even going back to the past when I relive the same experiences and realise that they were to be flawed.

I see the problem being me, but it's just so difficult trying to break away from it and enjoy myself. Turn the situation around. Stop myself from fading away into the background.

I may have a wide spectrum of tolerable frequencies, but why does it feel like I'm not supposed to be anywhere at all?

Rants of the destressed

2011-04-20T07:34:00.001+08:00

SO CUTE RIGHT!

I have an evil twin. Whenever I take a nap and set alarms or ask my mum to wake me up later, it never happens.

Yesterday I slept at 9.30, and the next thing I know it's already 6 in the morning. My mum told me that I said I wanted to go back to sleep and even switched off my own alarms.. which I have no recollection AT ALL. What is this?! I think it might be an illness.

I try to escape from reality through sleep.

Chemistry spa yesterday was an utter nightmare.

For the first time in my life I learnt how to turn on the Bunsen burner properly (this is what you get from not taking o level spa). My solutions spurted out about five times, and I'm pretty sure it's the smallest flame I could ever get. Why doesn't it freaking boil properly?!

Majorly frustrated. Chem spa and I have zero chemistry. Pun intended.

-

I miss the slightly amusing, socially awkward moments. They didn't make much sense so I will just pretend that I dreamt them up.

A 'stay strong' from the most random is what keeps me going on in life.

Everyday I'm shufflin'

2011-04-13T19:52:00.004+08:00

To push down the depressing post below, here is an old post:

I LOVE THE GLEE REGIONALS EPISODE SONGS. Have been listening to it like for more than twenty times already I swear: blackbird, candles, raise your glass, get it right, misery (lol PW theme song), and loser like me! (L)

Chris Colfer's voice is damn awesome.

Glee rant over.

Part two!

Part of why this came on my mind was because of this small card pasted on the wall, with two simple words written on it: MUST WIN.

We all want to win, some people already have the capacity to do so, some need to push harder, and some are just plain lucky.

Every pellet is a shot at pursuing whatever you're after.

Sometimes after twirling about the damn black dot for so long I will just become frustrated and heck care, although I know the right thing to do is to put down the rifle and chill.

It's the same kind of pent-up frustration and mentality that I have towards studying; and this is what frightens me. At the every last moment when things start to really matter, I just crash.

It is especially after consecutive shots of 7 and 8s, when the true test of resilience takes place: when confidence is utterly shattered, momentum broken, being at a complete loss of what to do next. Sounds so familiar..

Similarly, there are tyco bull eyes, just as there are stray shots which were initially expected to be perfect shots. As much as we dabble about the unfairness if it all, we are all part of this system when sometimes we don't get what we pay for.

-to be continued-

A downward spiral

2011-04-10T20:19:00.008+08:00

eccedentesiast (n): A person who fakes a smile

Enough has been said, it's time to move on, and I don't really want to rationalise my thoughts out anymore, trying to search for explanations. Reminiscent of exco results huh. But I have to forget all these resentment, 'could have been's, and injustice because it's not worth the mental energy.

Trying to pretend that things are fine is not working. Yes I know they are, but.. there are so many things other than the grade alone.

I don't need consolation or nice words because they don't work on me. Not this time, not especially when sincerely will only be clouded by my own bitterness.

It's not right to have so much time, effort, and energy be stamped with a sub-standard chop. I feel so foolish.

If you describe this feeling as sad, then yes I am sad. But I'm not moping around, I neither will I cry over some stupid letter thrown at me.

Anyway, the remedy:

credit: wednesdaydreams@livejournal

6 EPISODES OF DREAM HIGH OH YEAH.
(Jin Gook/Hye Mi!)
P.S. I know tutorial deadlines looming BUT ARGH WHATEVER A LEVELS CAN GO SHRIVEL UP SOMEWHERE FIRST. It can only screw with my life this much.
And dream high is too good to be true! I am soooooo lag.

"You must be really tired"

2011-04-06T17:38:00.003+08:00

I am so full of fail today that it's not even funny. I feel like a lost, forlorn kitten, slowly treading along the concrete pathways in a late night's downpour with nowhere to go. I am not trying to act cute.

I know I am at fault for being a retard and there has never been any expectations in the first place, but it puzzles me how on earth a situation like that is even possible. I guess part of why I'm so full of disbelief is that I assume that there is enough sense in this world to know someone's supposed to be there when she's not and do something about it. But honestly, really? I am losing faith in humanity.

I need a silencer to shut these vulgarities off my brain because I am utterly, utterly exhausted from all that I have to put up with..

I also need to sleep more.

;(

Why so blooo?!

2011-04-04T21:08:00.003+08:00

I'm bus blogging! Okay anyway all my results are finally given back and I'm actually quite far away from what I predicted myself to get lol: ASSES. was thinking it would be cool LOL but it's for the better hahaha.

WHY IS MY EYE TWITCHING NON-STOP.

A small part of me melted today when a teacher approached a student to drop to h1 and he went 'I'm going to cry already'. Don't know whether it was just a casual remark, but it struck me how this was a situation I worked all along NOT to be in, to have the cruel reality thrown at you.

(Disclaimer: dropping to h1 is not necessarily bad, but being forced to drop is a different thing altogether.)

This post is dedicated to shayne!(:

I always get small enlightenments when shooting.

I realized my shooting journey has been very much like my academic life.

Okay some parallels may come off quite lame but bear with me!

If you haven't already known, I use a really old-fashioned gun to shoot; as compared to the others, I use more energy to load the gun, I sweat a lot more.. and it tires the hell out of me. In schoolwork, that's how it is isn't it- to complete an assignment, people spent so much time and effort; others don't do so much as to lift a finger.

To shoot well, there are only two things that really matter: focus and technique.

Today, I think I had a mini breakthrough in shooting, granted that it was just based on ten shots. When aiming at a target, one has to be almost completely sure that the rifle will stay there when one pulls the trigger. It requires a great deal of concentration not only in the mind, but also in ensuring that your position stays completely stagnant.

It's increasingly becoming an extremely straining thing to do and I actually have a headache now from all the fatigue (from school too actually, no less) but it's somehow pretty rewarding at the end of the day.

-to be continued-

Sent from my iPod

We move towards the stars

2011-03-30T20:43:00.004+08:00

Alright shall just do a random post. I guess my frequency of blogging is one every five days now, haha.

Now playing: Drops of Jupiter by Train

It's nice to rediscover old songs. A while back a friend mentioned about it and I was like 'I've never heard it before in my life', but I went on YouTube and found out that it was just like the other hundreds of unnamed songs at the corner of my brain, tugging me back to the past.

I spent an obscene amount of time this afternoon watching a show called 'make it big', a competition between 3 florists to have a chance at an internship with someone big in the industry. Very, very random, I know. Coupled with the uni talk this morning, I got me thinking about.. a future life.

This is a topic that has been bugging on almost everyone's mind (I presume, other than people with the heck-care attitude whom I often get slightly disgruntled with), a conversation starter. Sometimes when I take a backseat and just think about how much and how fast we're all growing up (another bugging topic) into people who are about to really take charge of our own lives.

In a sense, I never truly understood the word 'maturity'. Hannah always goes like oh so-and-so's thinking is very mature (with a tingy bit of admiration if I may add) and I'm like, it's just another way of approaching an issue, coming from different sets of personality and upbringing, is it not? Somehow that opinion assumes higher superiority for reasons which.. well maybe I myself am not mature enough to know yet.

I guess maturity keeps me at bay, because what it means to me is higher accountability, and taking responsibility in making things right.

Went completely off-tangent with what I originally wanted to blog about- the plethora (hehe new word I learnt today) of course/ career options) but guess I'll have to leave that for another day.

Essentially, this is what I enjoy about blogging (or writing anything non-gp actually), to put my thoughts into words as they flow in all sorts of wild directions. Bad English, I know, and one that hardly makes any sense, but it's the closest to freedom I can get these days.

No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight

2011-03-25T19:28:00.002+08:00

Now playing: Can't help falling in love by Ingrid Michaelson

I don't know why every time I open this page with a thought in mind, it's doesn't feel like something I want to share anymore.

Intuitively, this is how it was supposed to be all along, isn't it?

Some things inspire me. Conversations make me think.

I still have a long way to go in sorting out my priorities and find the discipline I need, to see sunflowers at the end of day. I don't need to give a shit about anything else.

Slowly and surely, I will get there.

Spinning on that dizzy edge

2011-03-20T01:27:00.007+08:00

I realised that there are only that few things that plague my life at any one time. Relationship problems, friendship problems, things ..my life is such a bore.

As much as I would like to keep my blog away from academics (can anyone tell me how to start LIKING chemistry?!), it's almost what I think about all the time now that a's are in.. 232 days.

Kept the letter a small on purpose because capital a's kind of scare me.

My body clock is utterly destroyed. Sleeping at 5am, waking up at 7am, sleeping again at 11pm and wake up at 4pm.. don't know what I'm doing. Sigh.

Anyway, march holidays are over in a bit, and the terrors of term two will slowly unfold, bit by bit, through common tests results (trying to convince myself that I don't really care but comparison is such a bitch), rifle nationals, and community projects which honestly I haven't been putting a lot of effort in..

Not to mention actual schoolwork which are kind of snowballing. Already. Shit.

***

It is sometimes very uncomfortable to read about things which I don't know whether I had a part in.

Sensitivity. Emotions. When some things really get at me, and all I want to do is to rant it out in random spurts of exclamations, the first thing I turn to is the likes of twitter- but sometimes on second thought, all I needed to do was to scribble it down somewhere.

The last thing I want is to cause unpleasant awkwardness, and it bothers me when others don't think the same way.

On another note, small rant on facebook statuses.

I dislike how fb statuses mostly come with the silent intention of attracting likes and comments i.e. attention. Of course some people might argue that it's not, but whatever- go create a twitter account.

It's kind of twisted in a way that I can't explain, but i guess that's just me & my even-more-twisted thinking.

As we go on

2011-03-15T14:14:00.002+08:00

It always saddens me how the past feels so distant away from me.

Primary school friends, secondary school classmates, cca mates.. it's like they're just a list of names, chucked away in a memory box categorised by years, full of neoprints, well wishes and weightless promises of 'let's keep in touch'.

It's like my recollections have faded up to the point that all there is left is a vague knowledge of the countless days in school together, projects accomplished, outings and movies once watched..

I wonder if it's because this me (of the present) is afraid of renewal, preferring to leave things as they are, fearful of spoiling the pristine memory that I've crafted up in favor of the past.

And often, I ponder whether whatever that's happened today will turn out to be the same as well in 10 years' time.

Regardless, I admire those who are able to say 'we've been friends since a decade ago'- shows how their friendship has morphed through the years into something that can withstand even time.

Someday I wish to have that as well.

Till then, I need to treat each treasured friendship I have with sincerity, hoping that it will emerge as a worthwhile commitment someday.

Bum-dee-bum-di-dum

2011-03-11T23:34:00.011+08:00

lol @ Finn's face
Today is SUCH A GOOD DAY. Such a good day! It's really not that hard to make me happy although my blog posts have been proving otherwise, so for once I shall stop with the vagueness and tell you all about it :D

It's cross country (AGAIN) this year! I'm actually getting pretty tired of it though, but it was good, the sun was shining, it rained in the morning so it was oh-so-cooling and I ran! And ran.

And ran.

It was tiring because I haven't ran in AGES. I will though. This week. Really.

Number 2: Hannah and I went TOTALLY IN LUCK (seriously) and we went for bubble tea and a bit of shopping! Seriously best.

Reminds me of how we sometimes should just all take chances, every one that we've got.

And I was anti-social and went home. But the day didn't end there!

Oh yay~!

Watched two awesome movies: Burlesque and Tangled. SO DAMN GOOD! (and an episode of skins too) And I am basically still in front of the computer here after (what was it?) hmm. TWELVE FREAKING HOURS.

My A's are over. My life is over.

On a side note, the vj solaris logo is such a rip off from the kingdom's national (?) flag!!

Proof:

/edit/ Ok now that I think about it.. not really.. /endedit/

Number 3: CTs ARE OUT OF THE WAY. Seriously seriously screwed it up. Major time. Please refer to the previous posts. And if you say you screwed it up too just shut up and move on, thank you very much. It can't be worse than mine.

During my chemistry and physics paper I was BORED. Staring into blank space because I couldn't do more than half of the questions, no point trying anyway cause...

Oh well.

More failure means only one thing: one room for improvement! Yay!

Number 4: I'M GOING TO LONDON IN JUNE! HAPPY FACE :D

Motivation!!! To study! Which Eileen kind of pointed out doesn't really make direct sense. Which I also explained that how life sucks (everything until today.. and whatever after this holiday). So.

Kudos to the big motivation!

Number 5: I'm going shopping tomorrow!!!!! -Floats into a swirly twirly state of absolute bliss-

And the day after I'm going out again!

Nothing pleases me more than going out with good company ^^

So you see, I'm not asking for much.

Just some normality in my life.

Bulletproof

2011-03-09T20:33:00.007+08:00

Okay okay I shouldn't be blogging but this is going to be fast! I think! And I feel quite accomplished today so hee (:

Yesterday was easily one of the worst days.. ever. Slept at 9.30 and I was supposed to wake up at 10 but I woke up only AT FREAKING 6. Omg I was like !@#$%^&* when I saw the time only one word came into my mind, lol no prizes for guess what it was.

Anyway that is not the point.

It has suddenly hit me that I need to be kinder to the world around me.

When things hit you the hardest, the people you thought you could count on turn away, and I find help in the most unlikely of places.

Being so desperate, yet having to wipe away the feeling of being so mildly deceived, to concentrate on the impending disaster, and receive help from which even I feel guilty about. Looking from the side of my eyes how one can be so self-absorbed, yet put on facades, and empty words and don't mean anything at all at the end of the day.

Other than the disappointment I harbor now, I made a quiet promise to myself, never to let someone feel the same way as you did to me that day.

Bitter heart

2011-03-03T16:39:00.005+08:00

Now playing on blog: Sally Seltmann - On the Borderline

When I wake up in the morning I feel very numb, but I'm gonna get through. I'm gonna tell myself every day-

Get yourself up, get yourself up, get yourself out of bed; This is a new day, this is a new day, this is a new day today.

Snapping your fingers, tapping your toes, you are humming a tune; You know, you know, this is a new day, this is a new day, this is a new day today.

I will not forget this feeling.

The sour, bitter feeling every single time the 'fruits of our labour' are presented back, reminding me that everything that's going on in this life is not without consequence, that we are being continually assessed all the time. The slight tinge of regret that makes my insides feel all tangled up.

I need to remember this feeling, to constantly remind myself that this is NOT what I want to feel exactly one year from now.

***
Maybe there's a hidden reason why I cannot be bothered anymore, when illogical, out-of-the-blue assertions are hurled at me. Why I simply laugh it off, keeping all the sentimentality, deeper concerns and emotions at the back of my mind.

I have changed, from that overly sensitive girl from three years ago. The girl whose biggest fear was to get involved. The girl who was mildly terrified of the fact that her name could be uttered behind her back for the most ridiculous reasons. The girl who was just, well, naive.

Alexithymia

2011-02-27T04:46:00.005+08:00

Shall blog in a more realistic context.

I am the extremity of how someone is able to waste so much time, with the common tests looming in. I do study, I stopped all my drama watching (5 episodes lag argh) but I have absolutely no control online. Almost 5 hours, and I am nowhere near to completing my gp essay.

When I'm online, I choose to forget about things that bother me, to hide my stress into a closed vessel that is the outside world.

Stopped complaining on twitter because I hate it when people whine and whine and whine about homework and all (exactly what I'm doing now). Not that a lot of people read this place anyway.

Also know that I'm seriously very screwed for ct1s, and suddenly everyone around me is like all super enthusiastic about doing well :/ I am scared, but I am never the type who gets pushed on by looking at other people progressing. These 3-minutes-long ct1 terror attacks need to stop coming at me.

***

Same old complains, same old rants. A level results are about to come out, and honestly I'm very anxious for pw and chinese. Perhaps not so on the surface, but I believe my results will make a significantly large impact on me, however good or bad they turn out to be.

Just like every other small thing that no one seems to care about.

I find myself very annoyed with people who are high-spirited. Sometimes it's a selfish mindset that goes: why should you be happy when I can't be?

***

I have to stop deceiving myself. Niceness is simply a language spoken through actions.

P.S. Am actually very looking forward to next week's tuition. Need more adrenaline rushes to keep me going.

eyes with hooks to the soul

2011-02-24T22:04:00.003+08:00

Sometimes when I post things that are questionable, I'm well aware of it, and have decided to take a chance. Mostly all I seek for is closure and that somewhere out there, someone secretly understands what I'm going through without judging me.

But recently I'm lacking that foolhardiness, because this blog is real. What I write makes real impacts on how people see me as a person, and however hard I try to overlook/ deny, I actually really do care about it.

But here's another one of those chances.

It's been a pretty few days of this blog being stagnant, but voices in my head whiz past, wanting to be heard (ok sounds creepy). Yet sometimes I think some things are just meant to stay this way, and thinking about it will just complicate and make it worse. Maybe I'm lazy, maybe I'm afraid, maybe I can't be bothered to act upon it and am ashamed.

Often I know that I need to be more daring, more outspoken, more enthusiastic et. al, or else this phase in my life will just be a blank canvas when I look back next time. I'm like 'why am I like this' whenever I eradicate myself out of a social setting, feeling so, very, small.

Perhaps I'm afraid to 'step out of my comfort zone', but what's a comfort zone when I don't even feel comfortable in it?

Or maybe I'm just nothing but a blank canvas.

Philiphobia

2011-02-23T21:29:00.002+08:00

Maybe I come off as aloof, uncaring, simply cannot be bothered by whatever is going on between us.

Most of the time I don't know what it is either, but I feel so trapped, unpleasant occasionally, and I just want to get away from it all.

I convince myself all the time that I'm being way too petty, and I give myself all sorts of excuses to forgive, that you probably don't mean things the way I see it. But sometimes I get tired of tolerating too. Personality clash? Probably.

On the topic of personalities, it says here that I shy away from confrontations all too often. I would know- why else would I be in this fix?

It annoys me when it seems like you are the one being victimized, when you have half the world to fall back on.

Til' the sun shines

2011-02-21T08:35:00.003+08:00

I've been pretty busy this weekend, but only two pieces of work have been done- oh the horror. Everybody is complaining about their Richard III and top girls essays on twitter, and I'm glad I don't take literature. Not that economics is a better choice though.

I absolutely hate writing essays. End of story.

Yesterday: training at Yishun in the morning, and went for the Swiss and Canada university talks in the afternoon. Although I'm not very interested in studying overseas, well, got to keep my options open and see what's out there- despite the fact that they come in ridiculously expensive packages.

Over the past few days I've read up on this particular course/ career. I used to put it in the back of my mind, thinking the requirements were simply too high and impractical for me to reach. But that's what makes it a goal, right?

Apparently there is just 4 days left for each subject to study for ct1s.. sometimes what motivates me is the ultimate humiliation when people ask for the 5-letter combination :/ it's probably not the right mindset, but it'll have to work for now.

Any combination that forms an actual word is bad.

Not really a fan of knowing how people fare, and sometimes I wish everyone will just mind their own business and concentrate on their own achievement/ progress. Not that I'm completely guiltless again, but it just strikes me how 'Asian' we all are- competitive, where an 'A' grade stands for Average, suffering under high expectations and tumultuous stress.

Having not much of a life, but then again maybe it's just me.

Sent from my iPod

All the umbrellas in London

2011-02-18T01:33:00.009+08:00

While waiting for my gossip girl and glee and bigbangtheory to load into my ipod, I shall update this space (although I've a hundred and one things to do, including an Arenes tutorial which I CAN'T DO).

#1:
I used to think it would be nice to have a superpower that allowed me to know exactly what's going on in everybody else's mind- no more deception, cheating, pretense.. up until a few days ago. Sometimes the truth can be hard to handle, and it's true that ignorance is bliss, isn't it?

Well, I guess I'm just too afraid and cowardly to handle the truth- that everyone isn't perfect. It's hard facing up to criticism, much less judgement from those who don't even know me well. It tears me up inside.

It may be a bit of an overreaction, but what really saddens me is that someone would actually confide in you about something like that.

***

#2:
For the past three years, whenever I see unfamiliar faces burying their faces into stacks and stacks of tutorials, lecture notes and the like, all I think about is: poor souls, and that's how I would would look like _ years from now, and it's a LONG way to go.

But now, everytime I see someone studying, I'm consumed by the feeling of hectic-ness (is there such a word?), and the slight tinge of bitter 'kiasu-ness'. It's a fact that I'm snowballing, loads of tutorials cramming up, and with CT1s in 17 days, I already feel like I'm losing the battle.

The driving force isn't there anymore- looking at everything laid out for me and the absolute impossibility in finishing them all, I'm slowly retreating, hiding, (sleeping at 9).

I don't want to but it's so disheartening! Knowing that whatever I do, I will always be limited by the 'standard' that has already been set for all of us since the beginning of time, and how extra lessons seem to be the solution to everything. Excuses excuses excuses.

***

#3:
They don't understand. All I wanted was to feel like every other perfectly normal girl- to glam up, to feel pretty, to enjoy my time in a fairytale-like setting, and have an experience to last a lifetime.

Am I being too idealistic, dumb perhaps? I was never that sort of girl, never have been, never going to be. Much as I always blame things on cruel, cruel fate, I secretly know (given my personality) that I don't, and I can't feel good in a setting like that.

It had been a disaster once, and I know that history is just going to repeat itself if I go ahead with it. Yet part of me is still holding on to that perfect ending- too much watching of Taylor Swift's music videos, perhaps.

You are my sweetest downfall

2011-02-14T22:35:00.007+08:00

It's valentine's day today!

I know the bitter people all around go like, valentine's is only for couples, valentine's is commercialized etc etc, and I'm probably one of those people who do that very often.. and then there are people who are all self-righteous and all 'we can show love everyday, doesn't have to be valentine's' but seriously, who are you kidding?

Call me naive but I still believe in the magic of valentine's. Amidst all the sweets and chocolates, attention-grabbing balloons and flowers, it's knowing someone remembered you on this day that really matters.

It's a pretty special feeling, when everyone's just giving out sweets to anyone they meet (sorry but I don't buy into that), and out of nowhere a note or flower addressed to you pops up.

I wouldn't know because I'm not in the receiving end, but I sure hope it is for everyone else. And anyway I feel contented too, when what I do is appreciated- even with the smallest thankyous and iloveyous.

So that's my take on this special day!

pig-rabbit loves you!

It's pretty sad that I didn't really have the desire to do anything today for the class- blame chemistry test and how I didn't feel inclined to do anything.. just because.

Sweet day nonetheless, just because it's me and I go awww over stupid things like this (amongst other things which I shan't say here^^).

Jar of Hearts

2011-02-12T09:17:00.010+08:00

Now playing on blog: Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri

And who do you think you are, running 'round leaving scars. Collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart.

It was class picnic at the beach yesterday, wasn't as fun as the one 2 years ago (read), but probably that's just due to me reminiscing on the good ol' days. And I'm now a shade darker D:

Played beach volleyball with the class, and it started out no-so-good- went chasing after the volleyball which was rolling into the ocean, couldn't catch up in time, slipped and became half-wet with sand abrasion on my leg, zzz. And worst of all my name became a synonym for fail T.T

It was nice, I guess, to see so much food brought (completely unexpected actually), everyone having fun, I think. If I were a guy in the class who ended up as one of the dare targets, I might just shrivel up in humiliation and die.

***
After the picnic, went for karaoke.. remind me not to be extra and completely vulnerable to being pangsehed next time.

Blue, the color of our planet from far, far away

2011-02-09T18:34:00.007+08:00

Sometimes I think about why I'm always neither here nor there- not doing things wholeheartedly when I really had a chance at it, taking a backseat and watching everything happen right before my eyes.

Maybe I'm made to be submissive, quiet, softspoken, silent, passive- all these labels thrown at me just because of a preference to keep my opinions to myself.

It isn't fair- when I wish that I could be someone less uptight, but what confuses me is that whether this is something that is already ingrained into my personality, or that I'm just not strong enough to voice out?

Truth is, comments, comebacks and snide remarks appear in my head all the time but they get censored off all too often (too rude, too act-cute, too bimbo..) Either that or I just really have no opinions at all.

But would I rather be nothing or be judged? Guess I chose the former.

***
Walked around the school after lessons today, heart full of scorn. But so be it, life is already hard enough as it is.

Geniunity

2011-02-07T20:09:00.007+08:00

How to spot if someone is not genuine
Not entirely foolproof ways, just observations and actions (which I am sometimes guilty of).

When you ask someone to lend or return you something, response: "Remind me again!".

This shows that the person cannot be bothered to make the effort to remember. After all, how difficult is it to make a note on his/her planner, if not, handphone?

Truthfully, sometimes I say that to push the responsibility of bringing the above aforementioned item to the other party, secretly hoping that he/she completely forgets about it and it won't even be my fault.

But I am trying to change this habit!
When someone asks you a question (of concern, or really just any question in general):

You know that he/she's just asking for the sake of it if he/she completely switches off when you answer, or doesn't even wait for you to finish before starting on an entirely new topic.

Simple things like, 'how was your day', and when you are telling this person about this fantastic new cat you just brought, he/she starts talking about his/her own plans. Random example but still. Completely turns me off, really.

I read somewhere that the 2 worst things that introverts hate are (1) Introducing oneself (2) Repeating oneself. I'm going to add one more to the list which is (3) Being cut off in the middle of a sentence.

Have no idea why the font size is so obscenely big. I don't usually blog about this sort of judgmental stuff, but just wanted to take note of it. PLUS, (to sally) blogging improves writing improves GP! Muahaha 8D

***
Seniors meet juniors was kind of fun today I guess. At least the junior class seems promising enough. Double wacko! I'm usually quite good at it but got called up 2 times today-.- Monday blues, after all I was supposed to have one more hour of sleep! Grr.

I NEED TO WATCH THE NEW GLEE EPISODE, LIKE NOW.

Toodles!

Febrary

2011-02-06T11:21:00.002+08:00

What do you think about my new blogskin? :D I love the changing icons at the side!

Guilty pleasure.. spent 6 hours on it :/

Here's stopping by to say that it's february (I can never spell this right) and guess how many days left to ct1s? I'm so screwed ):

Year of the Rabbit

2011-02-03T01:57:00.005+08:00

Skins! ♥
I need to be in my game on mode.

..soon enough! I think. I hope.

Anyway it was a pretty good lunar new year's eve, the day didn't start out so good because I missed like 2 buses, the next one took like 20 minutes to come and it was so late and everything... so I hailed a cab with some other desperate victorians. Lol.

Well and thus for the past 3 years I still haven't been caught late! (although I might been late for more than 10 times already.. there's always a way to get around things ^^)

School.. fast forward.

So I'm at m'sia now and 2 hours ago I just watched the most AMAZING fireworks ever! The house opposite us bought this big carton of whatever-chemicals-fireworks-are-made-up-of, and you have to look up to see them exploding (?) right above- nice!! Because it was so low (probably quite dangerous too) it looked like the whole sky was filled.

PRETTY MAX!

okay I koped this from tumblr but still.. idea is there

Happy CNY!

Refuge

2011-02-01T16:01:00.004+08:00

The last few days have been spent mostly at home, school ends early (oh joy) so there's really not much to do than to bask around in dawdliness, with the ever-so-slight guilt at the back of my mind.

Feels so, so good through. People say that this is the ONLY break we (by we I mean JC2s) are going to get till after a levels, so why not right.. right?!

Plus it's so damn nice taking a break from stupid school, stupid unresolved things that I keep running away from.

This is probably very weird but I kind of like talking in mandarin to friends.. sometimes. Maybe it feels more cordial (warm and sincere), reminds me of the kind of relationship that I had during my anglican high days. And it's so much less vulgar!

Doesn't mean that I enjoy learning/ having non-chinese lessons in mandarin though..

Going to malaysia tomorrow for Chinese new year! Yay to fire crackers and mini-fireworks that are illegal in Singapore and OVERNIGHT MAHJONG :D Hopefully m'sia has awesome cool weather too I love the weather nowadays! Soooooo chilly (Y)

Well but that's after going to school.. seriously who the hell does volunteer work with their junior class on the first day of meeting them? Oh, but what do I care.

P.S.

I keep to my proposition that Cobb is still in limbo.

Glass window

2011-01-29T14:26:00.003+08:00

It's one am, and I'm sitting here, thinking, how a waste of space I am.

I guess it's one of those attacks, but I feel completely and utterly useless and I probably shouldn't be writing this here but oh well.

I complained about people being lucky to have their passions recognized, to have opportunities thrown at them, to have so much zest in life.

And now I realized I'm the only one being cynical here and doing nothing about it.

I weep, for the fact that I could have done so much more if I had set my mind into it.

It sucks, when my stupid brain is wired to think about all the practical rewards that come from everything we do. Believe me, when I say I really do want to focus on the intangibles, but I can't! Where we live today, who we are, makes me the disgusting calculative person that I am now.

Which is why it brings me to complete disbelief and awe when you're all goody-goody and angel-like, grabbing everything within your reach 'just for the fun of it', and being so freaking perfect.

Few weeks ago I wished for things to die down after a while, and again I realized that I was being stupid, because real friendship will never fade off. I just have to blame it on my bad fate, or my personality that considers it extremely rude to insult someone (however innocent the intentions are), and extra to make unnecessary nonsensical remarks.

Guess I shall just continue looking through the glass window.