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October 12, 2013

Term 2 flashback

Having flashbacks of the night before the first experiential wall showcase. The whole team would be up on the fourth floor, drawing and manually writing up the first wall, which would become to be one of our most unprofessional, amateur displays ever, but one which was the most unique and memorable.

I stayed in the classroom, refusing to go up, to face the subject of my absolute distress and anger. In some ways I was afraid, although I had nothing to be scared of. It was the first time I was torn down to pieces, so specifically targeted at, and I felt so weak and so vulnerable.

I remember finding the whole situation I was in so ridiculous, as I see groups putting together the adorable water droplet with blue plastic shards, demonstrating the 3D visualisation app, last minute run-offs to printing shops, being part of a sense of hectic which seemed so cold to me.

I remember being at the back of the classroom, my laptop connected to the visualiser, tracing out templates for a dome, our first concept/ functional model or whatever you call it. (The paper model ended up as the group table's marker holder for an entire term.)

I was exhausted, emotionally and physically, but I kept on going, having nothing I could do in my position, yet making up pointless work, wanting to drown in the facade of being busy. I needed to have something on my mind so I would stop thinking.

I remember the first sms telling me to go back, then one by one my team mates came down, repeatedly asking me to go back hostel to rest. It was touching to know that they care. I felt beyond guilty to be part of the curation of such a nonsensical situation, and although no sides were taken, up to today I don't know if they blamed me at all, or it would have been nice to know that I had support.

Sometimes I guess impartiality could be mistaken as indifference.

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