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March 03, 2013

Fearful anticipation


I feel a need to post here even though I have an insane backlog of work to be done.

Stepping into week 6, I'm suddenly really really terrified of the future.

The past week has been self-evolving in a way (not sure if it's the right word).

Spending time with the aquaponics team has lead me to realise how little time I have left, not just for the project before I leave for exchange, but also with the lovely people that I have gotten too used to seeing on a daily basis, people who are give this school the magical homely feeling that I can hence afford to forgo in the weekends. Even from within a distance, even if some things just happen in my head.

Connection is not a thing I can easily create. It's a weakness that I always see cripple me. Even with outstretched hands, I feel myself slipping away from the crowd, against loudness and rowdy laughter. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really autistic.

-

I just really don't want to live my life trying to put up a smile to pretend that everything's alright.
"The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering."
~ Ben Okri

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