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February 01, 2013

Nil sine labore

This week has really ended on an all time low.

Scrolling through my facebook feeds and looking at my alma mater's new grandstand, the gigantic bold black words, screaming:

NIL SINE LABORE (nothing without labour)

It has never occurred to me this way but these exact words seem to be mocking me now, putting so much effort and brainpower and all these worrying for things that actually count for nothing.

Still remember the first thing that captured me to this place was so basic and on hindsight, so tragically naive.

A spark.

Two terms in and all I've done is to be bogged down by obligations, one week into term three and all my mind has been preoccupied with is how to make item number one item number two and item number three right and back on track (when people can't begin to give two hoots about) and to maintain my standards for item number four.

Everywhere I see are sparks lighting off, people basking in the afterglow of their passions, be it singing, or cycling, or even sheldon's fervent love for mother earth. People creating their own sparks for things that they are genuinely excited about. Even if it's such a simple thing like planning a food trail.

Maybe it's a plague. Maybe I'm fated to have a heart of the calm dead sea, forever unmoved by anything that comes my way, unable derive pure joy from anything, just going by each day, lifeless and soulless.

I'll be lying if I said that I didn't care about certs and connections and future job prospects, but if I really did I wouldn't even be here. Choosing to take a more winding road which not so much as the next term to actually know of, much less a career.

Now I feel so much like a fraud. When all that I actually had the heart to stand for and to be involved in are made of fluff, masks after masks after mask after masks of makeup. And I'm left with nothing but myths that only I still believe in.

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