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December 09, 2012

Post-mortem


Listening to: Crossfire by Brandon Flowers
"Just got to let go of all this bitterness, do whatever I can for these last few days and look back knowing that I have put in my best & just. Accept."

I'm glad I followed my own advice (until the last 30 minutes). Now that this is gone and past, all the conflicted feelings that I had seem smaller than I had imagined.

In some ways it's good that I simply endured all the unfairness and ****** that was implicitly thrown at me, because I care too much and because I have certain standards. Throughout the module, I kept trying to psycho myself:

It's okay that we don't have the expertise,
nor the dynamics,
nor the direction.
It's okay that no one wants to take ownership.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.

Maybe these are misunderstandings, maybe I jump into conclusions but I was so disappointed, at every stage of the process, comparing the amount of time and effort I had put in versus the bull which I begrudgingly entrusted to people I knew could not be trusted to do anything well. And they always had to prove me right.

If I lived in an alternate universe without consequences, I would have questioned the crap of these people, got into hateful conflicts even if I had to because it makes no sense to be sacrificing so damn much, not because it was voluntary, but because somehow everyone seemed to underestimate the amount of work needed to be done given half the manpower.

Perhaps my previous experience made me even more afraid of confrontations, and I just went further inside my shell. Because I didn't want to again be responsible for destroying a morale that is barely even existent. And it doesn't make any sense because I am not in the wrong.

It seemed so unjust, as it is till now, that the people who are the most vulnerable are the ones who care too much. They become threatened by people who dare put themselves out there as gambling chips, and ultimately they are always defeated- because the other party has nothing to lose.

Sorry but I can never let this go.

And lastly, I AM SO GLAD THAT IT IS FINALLY OVER.

To end off, because my humanities exam is on tuesday, here's a pretty quote:

When I look back "In the journey from the cradle to the grave they dream dreams some of which come true and some of which are frustrated; that they fear the unknown, search for love and seek contentment in wife and child; that some are strong and some are weak; that some have been given more than they deserve by life, while others have been deprived by it, but that the differences are narrowing and most of the weak are no longer weak." ~ Season of Migration to the North

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