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October 08, 2011

Through the hourglass

Well because I hardly have the focus to do anything productive right now, I shall dedicate this post to another ending of a chapter.

I think sometimes there are blind spots that we fail to see, things that we silently know but simply do not want to acknowledge.

Today's civics session (which I expected to be grueling.. it was) opened my eyes a little more, taught me some levels of respect and acceptance, and thankfully concluded this jc life on a positive note.

Initially I was thankful for the fact that I was sitting behind my ct and started giving all sorts of nonsense faces (sorry guys- I face palm at myself), because there are some parts of me that refuse to be won over by circumstances.

It is foolish to knowingly-yet-deceivingly sugarcoat the past, just to forget all the pain. To paint a perfect memory to lessen the guilt. But at the end of the day, being self-delusional is definitely better than holding grudges and gaping emptiness that we/I carry on for the rest of eternity.

It wasn't the most brilliant idea to mourn over inadequacies and the lack of opportunities on the very last day of school. These were just excuses, really. We all live in own little bubbles because they are just too comfortable to snuggle in. There was just too much to blame and too little to reflect upon.

I guess what hit me the most is how all the 'could-have-been's come at me everyday. While I have slowly learnt to be more appreciative, it's undeniable that it eats me a little inside, every single day. It is like I have been deprived of a rightful jc experience.. yet what is it, really?

Farewell was aptly and truly epic- performances, games and speeches that were unexpectedly enjoyable. Teared a little.

I guess when you spend four years in an institution, no matter how much you dislike it, you grow so comfortable and at home that suddenly it seems so surreal that it's finally over. (Or maybe it was because they played the stupid, tear-inducing, cheeeeeeeesiest graduation song in the universe.)

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