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February 24, 2011

eyes with hooks to the soul

Sometimes when I post things that are questionable, I'm well aware of it, and have decided to take a chance. Mostly all I seek for is closure and that somewhere out there, someone secretly understands what I'm going through without judging me.

But recently I'm lacking that foolhardiness, because this blog is real. What I write makes real impacts on how people see me as a person, and however hard I try to overlook/ deny, I actually really do care about it.

But here's another one of those chances.

It's been a pretty few days of this blog being stagnant, but voices in my head whiz past, wanting to be heard (ok sounds creepy). Yet sometimes I think some things are just meant to stay this way, and thinking about it will just complicate and make it worse. Maybe I'm lazy, maybe I'm afraid, maybe I can't be bothered to act upon it and am ashamed.

Often I know that I need to be more daring, more outspoken, more enthusiastic et. al, or else this phase in my life will just be a blank canvas when I look back next time. I'm like 'why am I like this' whenever I eradicate myself out of a social setting, feeling so, very, small.

Perhaps I'm afraid to 'step out of my comfort zone', but what's a comfort zone when I don't even feel comfortable in it?

Or maybe I'm just nothing but a blank canvas.

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