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February 18, 2011

All the umbrellas in London

While waiting for my gossip girl and glee and bigbangtheory to load into my ipod, I shall update this space (although I've a hundred and one things to do, including an Arenes tutorial which I CAN'T DO).

I used to think it would be nice to have a superpower that allowed me to know exactly what's going on in everybody else's mind- no more deception, cheating, pretense.. up until a few days ago. Sometimes the truth can be hard to handle, and it's true that ignorance is bliss, isn't it?

Well, I guess I'm just too afraid and cowardly to handle the truth- that everyone isn't perfect. It's hard facing up to criticism, much less judgement from those who don't even know me well. It tears me up inside.

It may be a bit of an overreaction, but what really saddens me is that someone would actually confide in you about something like that.


For the past three years, whenever I see unfamiliar faces burying their faces into stacks and stacks of tutorials, lecture notes and the like, all I think about is: poor souls, and that's how I would would look like _ years from now, and it's a LONG way to go.

But now, everytime I see someone studying, I'm consumed by the feeling of hectic-ness (is there such a word?), and the slight tinge of bitter 'kiasu-ness'. It's a fact that I'm snowballing, loads of tutorials cramming up, and with CT1s in 17 days, I already feel like I'm losing the battle.

The driving force isn't there anymore- looking at everything laid out for me and the absolute impossibility in finishing them all, I'm slowly retreating, hiding, (sleeping at 9).

I don't want to but it's so disheartening! Knowing that whatever I do, I will always be limited by the 'standard' that has already been set for all of us since the beginning of time, and how extra lessons seem to be the solution to everything. Excuses excuses excuses.


They don't understand. All I wanted was to feel like every other perfectly normal girl- to glam up, to feel pretty, to enjoy my time in a fairytale-like setting, and have an experience to last a lifetime.

Am I being too idealistic, dumb perhaps? I was never that sort of girl, never have been, never going to be. Much as I always blame things on cruel, cruel fate, I secretly know (given my personality) that I don't, and I can't feel good in a setting like that.

It had been a disaster once, and I know that history is just going to repeat itself if I go ahead with it. Yet part of me is still holding on to that perfect ending- too much watching of Taylor Swift's music videos, perhaps.

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