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May 01, 2010

I close my eyes the world drops dead

Sometimes I wish I could live a life without worries, to have a road already carved out for me, not having to make decisions, fight for opportunities. But I guess it takes the joy out of life doesn't it.

I think I'm losing control of my own life, unable to steer in the right direction (yet which is the right direction?). The only thing I still have control over are my schedules, my OCD-like filing system, which is what keeps me sane over schoolwork, really.

So I screwed it up again.

It's so difficult to bring out what I feel in words, ever so often. People being affuent- what an unfair thing. Even if one can speak of all sorts of ambitions, of clouds and rainbows, does it even matter if nothing ever comes out of them?

The more I think about it, the more worried I get. And even more that I think that I'm not just doing this for myself anymore. It's a difficult path to choose (which so many do not even realise), and even a harder one to undertake, but I really want to do it. I don't know how things will turn out, or even if it will concern me at all, I only can hope for people to have the right foresights, the right judgement.

Most of the time I doubt my own skills even, but then I look back and I think, I ought to give back, and I really would if I could.

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