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April 08, 2010

I SCREAAAAAAAAAM.


I SCREAAAAAAAAAM.

I had so many things to say, but now that I'm here, it just argh I don't know where to start. This place has become a ranting ground for things that I think no one bothers about.

I don't think I can do anything properly without getting stuff off my mind, so yes I'm going to sacrifice my sleeping time (!!!) to blog. Omg 2 days never sleep for more than 6 hours. Sigh I'm zonked out already.

Today, shot for nationals. I guess it was not really like a big fuss or anything but idk, maybe I needed people to acknowledge my efforts? It was rather disheartening.

I wasn't too pleased with my results either. It was like two series of eighty-eights. I was so freaking disappointed. So. Very. Disappointed. Sigh.

I guess in shooting so many things are going on in the mind, and when you're stuck to a position for 1hour15minutes, the mind tends to wander around. It's like for a moment, I forgot what I was standing there for. Out there at my lane with the rifle, everything just felt so surreal.

Shooting. Is it all about luck? Or your gun? Or your suit? Or experience, technique? I don't really know. Everything just comes down to the mindset, because it's really the only thing that matters once you're out there at the battlefield, focusing at a black spot so desperately. Everything becomes so, blank. Like you're out there, alone, unprotected.

I really failed myself, and I blame myself for that. I slept at an ungodly hour. Everything was hectic in the morning. Music was playing in my mind when shooting. I went to look for the others' score, only to stress myself out. My heart was pounding real hard. I allowed myself to shoot below what I could because I was tired.

I know I am capable of shooting more.

Right there, in the middle of the competition, I really did question what was the point in continuing to shoot. I liken shooting every target at everything one does in life: You shoot, you score. You shoot really hard, but just at the last millisecond you flinch and everything is gone. You just anyhow a shot and it's a 7.

Ultimately, it's about how you work for each and very shot. That's why I'm really annoyed with myself for all the calculating during comp itself- it was supposed to be one shot at a time, does it matter what happened previously?

At the end of the day, it's not about the score anymore. My score was already not bad for what I have done thus far, but I knew I could have achieved much more. It was just a consolation, really. It is this expectation for myself that really upsets me, or rather, how I have failed to do the club proud.

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